Heavy in Your Arms
by laurah1236
Summary: This is a story inspired by the Glee project 2, which does not have its own category unforturnately. It's a drama about a girl who's character was inspired by Nellie Veitenheimer from the Glee Project as well as Blake and Michael. It has to do with love, friendship, death, and overcoming struggles as a teenager. It later evolved into a more in depth love story.
1. Chapter 1

The air is streaming, I strangley find comfort in it, comfort in it's simplicity that calms my hardest nights. My minds still thinking of yesterday, its never in the present, its something I should learn to accept. My heart is steady, thats why I love the morning, right when I wake up everything is irrelevant for all but two seconds but I treasure those two seconds. But all good things must come to an end. My morning alarm with it's whining tone sends ripples through my body. Just make it stop. I lean forward and and end up unplugging it from the wall thats how badly I wanted it to stop, to stop reminding me of the day ahead of me, of what awaits wether I like it or not. It's still happening. So I get up from my bed and welcome myself to my dreadful reality it's the first day of the eleventh grade and i'm so in over my head in thinking I might not hate every second of it. But I will. Welcome to my life.

Every year is the same, painfully the same. You show up to school all the prissy girls will have fun or what I secretly think (pretend to have fun) with their friends, having lives...maybe I'm just jealous. But im not. I just can't understand the concept of happiness. I never have. Next the teachers lecture you, they pour out wonderful monotoned speeches on things we will probably never need to learn in the future, on plainly wasting our time for the heck of it. And at the end of the day the feeling is always the same. I relish coming home and feeling my soft bed cover once again, but then the feeling that has sadly now become a mutual part of my life for the past couple months after Michael's death re-enters, the pain. But my life continues on, bluntly, disregarding everything I feel. But imagine this day is replayed every day of my life, never ending again and again with no change, no alter. It's exactly how I feel every second of every hour of every day.

But today was different.

I woke up today all in the same manner, all with the same intent but today I had another blunt reminder of my pain and loss, but as well another blunt reminder of hope, or at least thats what I hoped.

As soon as I reached the bus stop something felt different. Maybe it was the newly paved sidewalk, or the mist in the air, or the sound of my feet crossing the freshly mowed lawn. But these are all reasons I tell myself as an escuse for my embarassed heart, but the real reason is simple. He was looking at me. I don't even know him, he dosent know me, what does it matter right? Well at that second in time something in my mind decided that it mattered I even smiled back for a milasecond before realizing how completely foolish I was being. And then realizing that was the first time I had smiled in ages. I had forgotten what it was like, it almost felt foreign to me. But deffinitely uplifting, it felt right.

So not to embarass myself furtherly I looked away so quickly so sunddenly I thought I heard my neck crack, as if that isnt more embarassing! Whatever. I walked on took every step intently onto the bus and walked myself to the back, the very last row having my feet match my heartbeat as I walk. There it was, the leathery, beat up, mistreated, unappealing bus seat. but I knew i'd find a little comfort in it knowing no one sits in the back, no one can disturb this small privacy I loved. I should have thought again- I was dead wrong. The boy that had looked at me earlier whose name I had overheard to be Blake decided he liked the back as well, this was strange, as he was very attractive and his ranking would have been to go sit with the dimwads in the front- but no- there he sat, quitely , mysteriously, he looked at me as if he could see through me, through all of me- it was startling. Why did he look at me again? Maybe i'm just paranoid, he was probably looking through my window, which was obviously a better option than myself. Either way I didn't enjoy his sitting so close, no privacy and unexplainably it made my heart beat quicker. I didn't like it. I actually found myself peeking over my back pack to see if he's realized the mental message I was sending him through my mind to move. But no, he never received that message. But worst of all , all the girls from the front, the ones I detested most joined his seat, and the seat around his. Of course. I shouldn't expect anything less, I mean hes attractive and obviously new to school this year but I of course expect there to be some sort of exception that maybe just this once today would be a little less dreadful..and in a way it was. But I just wanted to have this small comfort time before the actual day begun. I didnt think that was too much to ask for. It was.

And so the school day begun I walked my way to my first period-History- I dragged my legs as I walked I couldnt help but be excited about learning more about dead people, I may not have the brightest outlook on life but come on- they're dead. Either way I sat down all the way In the back where I liked it then watched time go by finding ease by knowing the whole bus scenario was over. I heard my teacher Mrs. Weisner go on endlessly on school rules and the class syllabus then I realized how little sleep I truly had as I found myself zoning out. I closed my eyes for a minute I could have sworn to myself but to everyone else it was about twenty minutes. The second period bell rang just to prove me wrong. And the day progressed as typically as any other - second period now - there goes Marcie McClain with her hair tossing and rolling her shirt up just enough to show some skin for her crush Tom Lanus too bad for her that no matter how hard she tried he would always have his eyes elsewhere. Maybe it's because shes too obvious, and desperate, maybe its because shes just not his type. It dosent really matter but i've known this girl for years we used to be actual 'friends' in middle school when I was a much more shallow version of mysefl. No in reality I was just an all-around different person, the person I had always been, well untill Michael died. But when people hit highschool everything changes. I get it. Its life, I never expected any differently or at least I tell myself that so I wont be hurt more then I feel neccessary. That friendship is history but I do sheepishly admit I still keep tabs on her, on who shes become. And sometimes I try to picture my life still with her as a friend. But then I realize I would have had to turn into a completely different person. Someone I truly dislike. Someone I don't respect. It's not worth it.

"What are you looking at?" says Marcie in her bitter voice that screams for attention to me. "Nothing" I respond. Because truly Im staring at nothing. Looking at her, but im staring at nothing, the nothing she's become. I then direct my vision to the class clock...3...2...1. And it's off to third period. Science. I like science it may be the one thing I enjoy in school, or try to enjoy. I sit fourth row down towards the right, by the door it gives me a sence of security, a sence of escape. I get everything I need for the class neatly in order on my desk. Then I start doodling on my notebook in the hope to kill time while the teacher rants on about more useless school rules. Thats when I feel somebody tap my left shoulder. I turn reflexively, mostly shocked. Most people don't talk to me, let alone touch me, I guess my lonely ways are intimidating. No- people just think i'm wierd and leave me alone. But then again when have I cared what people think? Never. There he is again, Blake is five inches away from my face offering me my pen back, I guess it fell on the floor. This was a nice gesture right? Something normal, and irrelevant correct? Then why couldnt I find words to speak? Mute. I was mute. I just turned around and kept doodling I felt kind of rude but I was so out of place I couldnt find space in my head to care. But between those five inches I was able to see his hazel eyes that reminded me agonizingly of Michaels, same color, same shape. I caught my breath trying not to keep my composure, my careless composore that read "I don't care about anyone or anything." And to my disbeleif I made it through that science class in bearly one piece.


	2. Chapter 2

"Get up sweety you're twenty minutes late to school!" Says my bewildered Mother trying to make sense of what had happened to me last night. I couldn't even recall what had happened, it was all a blur. I lazily got out of bed while my mother shut my door like I always asked her too. It was 7:20 AM and my rekindled mind couldn't function properly, my heart was beating a wierd rythem I could hear in my ears, and my body wasn't reading the messages my mind was sending to do as I was told: get ready for school. In my state of delirium I couldn't find any possible way I could make it through the school day so as soon as my Mom left for work I quickly closed the door behind her too eagerly to recollect my thoughts.

So this is basically all I could remember:

1.) I went to school yesterday and everything was pretty average untill the pen incident which I realized later that night.

2.) As soon as I got home I layed on my bed and tried to forget the world, but I didn't fall asleep.

3.) I remember looking at my alarm clock and it displayed 3:15?...no...3:45 AM

I felt like I was missing something, a huge something I couldn't quite figure out what. So on that note I thought maybe going to school would remind me what exactly I was missing. It was a stupid thought, I mean school was the last place I wanted to be right now but it's the best thing I could think of. So in less then thirty minutes I was handed an unescused tardy slip and made my way to third period. I sat down in my seat and pulled on my earplugs, thats when I saw **It. **To the left of my desk was the new guy everybody was talking about, i'd overheard his name: Blake. And saw what he was writing when I had the flashback.

I had fallen asleep early that night, well early for me, it was probably around midnight and from what I can remember it was a dreamless night. Then I heard the tip-tap-tip-tap of something at my window, maybe it was raining? But something of my intuition told me otherwise. So I took my numb body to the window and looked out at the suprisingly stary night. Thats when I heard it- this soft melodic voice that felt like kisses to my ears.

It sang:

_"...but don't you worry now, because I've been places I wish i'd never seen, heard things I regret but here I am still holding on, holding on with all I have left, all of this for you..." _

I was stunned at how beautiful a voice could possibly sound, but even more suprised as I found myself wiping a tear from my face, because the lyrics spoke to me they touched me in a way I didn't know was humanly possible. So I listened on...

_"...take it steady now, my heart is heavy in your arms. Drag my feet off the ground let my sighs of defeat know you've won. Just remember me, I never let you down..."_

Suddenly I found myself on the floor, tears streaming down my face, a huge pain in my chest that can only be described as emptiness. In my mind the only thing that made sense is that I had officially lost it. I'd gone insane. But I hadn't, I just let everything out and in my mind that was the worst thing I could possibly do. Show weakness.

I then gave myself a few seconds to get a grip. Im a sixteen year old misunderstood girl, don't get me started with how cliche that may be. It's not like my best friends death and the person I was in love with is an easy thing to deal with. Either way, I finally gathered enough will to stand back up and looked out towards the dimly lit night to find a shadow of sorts holding a guitar down on the curb of the street. This had to be the person singing. I felt a need to talk to this person, because after hearing what they had sung I knew they could understand me. Like maybe just this once somebody might get it. So I swung my leg over the open ledge on my window about to sneak out through it when my mind finally came back in play to how ridiculously insane I actually was. Here I was at three in the morning about to sneak out my window to meet up with a mysterious guy whose song had brought me to tears.

Instead I snapped out of it, I climbed into bed, wiped the tears off my face, pulled the covers over my head, and started humming the song i'd just heard back to myself. It comforted me as I slowly slipped away into oblivion.

I slowly opened my eyes after having the flashback.

To find Blake writing down the lyrics I had heard last night.


	3. Chapter 3

I just sat there, stunned, putting two and two together had never been easier. He was the person singing through my soul yesterday. He was the person who I was about to leap through my window and run down to and talk to because I thought he understood me. But in reality he's Blake: The attractive new kid who has all the girls on top of him, yet unexplicably he dosen't show much interest back. Blake: The person who had bothered handing me back my pen which wasn't my own. And honestly isn't that big of a deal, he probably just thought it was mine, though I secretly wished otherwise after the revelation that he isn't just any other guy. Or so I wished to imagine.

"Hellloooo?" says Blake in a mocking tone while waving his hands in front of my face whileI just keep staring down at his lyrics.

"Are those your lyrics?" I blurt out...Im such a screw up. He probably thinks im some total stalker chic now, and it actually hurts a little to know maybe I care what he thinks of me.

"Yeah, I couldn't sleep last night so I wrote it, its not my best writing, its cool you knew they were lyrics though..", he casually replies.

"Oh..I..I" I stutter

The fourth period bell rings. There really is a God.

"I got to go" I say as I rush to get out of my seat and escape the science room and his presence and replace it with a bathroom stall. I sit there adjusting my eyes to the dim lighting and my heart to a normal pace.

_"Whats wrong with me?"_ I think to myself. I couldn't help break down, I couldn't help thinking of _him._ Not Blake. But Michael he was my bestfriend, no, he was more than that. He was all I had in life to rely on as I barely held on. I saw Michael in Blake..I saw it in the way their eyes were the same shape. Why was this happening to me? Why did I have to have another constant reminder of Michael. He as well sang, before he died anyway. He had a very raspy attractive voice that when in song could captivate any heart. It had captivated mine.

The hardest thing I've ever had to do is face the fact my Michael was gone. That no matter how much I pleaded and cryed and hurt he wasn't going to sing me to sleep anymore when he snuck in through my window at night, that he wasn't going to tell me how much he loved my akward little smile I made when I'm nervous, and I would never get to tell him how I really felt. How I had always felt about him, I never got the chance. But that dosen't mean I don't have to live with the regret I feel everyday to know how differently my life could be right now with him by my side. Why couldn't God have tooken me instead of him? He was the better person, he deserved the world and more, I was just lucky enough to be able to call him my bestfriend.

So I stand there against the wall of the bathroom stall remembering his last day.

It was an opaque morning, I can unfortunately remember his death as clear as day. He was driving, while i sat next to him in his beat up truck. -_It was probably the least attractive car ever, but I loved that car, it was full of memories, of laughs. I can remember watching the sunset go down by the lake while he scribbled on my converse "Always" while we lay on the back of his truck. _- We cruised down the curving road we blasted the radio at all it could go singing our favorite song "Heavy in your arms by Florence and the Machine" it was a serious song, but Michael and I could get a laugh out of anything so we even emoted characters as we sang. Then out of nowhere a blue SUV slammed into the left side of the truck. The side in which Michael was in. I broke an arm, and a couple ribbs but through the pain I managed to ask an ER nurse how Michael was, thats when she told me the words that haunt me for the rest of my life, she said "Michael didn't make it, I'm very sorry for your loss."

"Did you see Blake today? He was looking fine as always" asks Marcie to Julia

"Hell yes", She replies.

Thats what interrupts my thoughts and makes me realize I'm way past late to fourth period but at this point I'm beyond caring so I splash some water on my face while I hear Marcie tell me I'm uglier when I cry. Usually I just take it, But today was the wrong day to tell me that. So I spat out "nice boob job" , on the way out the door while hollering in the hallway "Too bad Tom Lanus still dosen't notice or care"

I then continued out the hallway planning on ditching the rest of the day but I couldn't help but hear what I believed to be familiar laughing behind me just as I left, It must have been Blake.


	4. Chapter 4

Dear, Michael

The past couple of months have been unbearable. I can hardly remember how it feels to breathe. You don't know how much I miss you, how much I crave your sustaining arms around my body. Theres this new guy at my school, his name is Blake and he reminds me alot of you. It hurts. It hurts to know I won't ever hear your beautiful voice again, to know I no longer have you. To call you my own is all i've ever wanted, all I never told you. You're all i've wanted for so long, and now i'll never have a chance to tell you. To tell you I love you, with all of my being with every fiber in my body, I love you. You're all I ever think about, and I want to remember you alive, but it just stabs my heart once more, so I picture your perfect face dead in my arms, how I held them the day you died and kiss your lifeless cheek goodbye. But promise me you'll never leave me. Because I will never leave you. Please help me remember how to breathe.

I love you.

I crumbled the letter up and then threw it across my room. I couldn't stand it anymore I kept falling, falling deeper in to hate, pain, hurt, loss, to nowhere. I just wanted him to hold me, to tell me it would be ok. To tell me i'll make it through, but that would never happen. Now all I had left was the memory. The most painful thing to have.

"Honey are you ok?, dinners ready", Said my worried Mother from outside my bedroom door.

"Yeah i'm fine, but I don't want any dinner tonight, thanks", I replied.

My Mom wasn't an idiot she knew how much I was going through and how hard it hurt. She used to always taunt me on how me and Michael would always end up together in the end, but I always laughed it off internally wishing she was right. But nobody knew how I felt about him but myself.

But aside from my own pain my parents were going through hell as well. Watching me crumble to the nothing I am must've been hard to watch, I see it in the way their eyes watch me, and their mouths speak everything with caution because anything could set me off. And anything could literallly set me off, but most of the time I just spent those moments reading old text messages from him that I moved into my computer to torture myself further. To remind myself how good I had it. I had it all.

The next morning was a Saturday and I stayed awake the entire night before, pacing, fidgeting, writing, remembering, crying. I hadn't slept in more than twenty-four hours. I was going on pure pain. So I decided to go for a walk around the neighberhood, it was quite a nice neighberhood. Quiet most of the time and there was this beautiful pond down the street where I used to go all the time with Michael to talk about anything, everything. He always listened. He always helped. So I grabbed my burgundy jacket that he always complimented me on and left a note on the kitchen table then made my way there.

The day was my typical perfect type of day. The clouds were gloomy as if the sun had taunted them into it. The wind blew softly on my olive skin, as my legs dragged themselves to the pond where I then accomodated myself into me and Michael's tree. It even still had the carving from a couple years ago. I sat there, tolerating my own silence when really I just wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, I wanted somebody to listen, somebody to know. But instead I withheld it like I withhold everything.

Thats when I noticed somebody was walking towards me. I turned around to find Blake walking my way a huge grin on his face that I envied that I wish felt as well.

"Hey", "Hi", I replied.

"Do you mind if I sit here?", He asked.

Why today?, why now? I thought. Why me.

But as aggravated as I was I had to remember none of this was Blakes fault and he didn't deserve me treating him rudely. So I mustered up my nerve and said, "Sure".

"I know we hardly know each other, but the other day when we were talking in class, you seemed upset, kind of how you seem now, and if you want to talk about it I'm all ears.", Explained Blake.

I was speechless. He was observant. I couldn't think of anything to say, because actually explaining myself to this random stranger was never going to happen.

So instead I said, "Your songs beautiful."

"Uh, thanks? " he chuckled "But you only read a couple of the lyrics."

"No actually I heard you playing them a couple nights ago when I woke up because I couldn't sleep." I found myself saying with total casualness.

"Oh, wow I didn't realize I was that loud, I'm sorry," he said sincerely.

"No, I loved it. You have a gift I could never write like that", I answered trying my best to sound like a normal happy teenage girl.

"Thanks, that means alot." ..."Wait do you write too?" he asked.

"Yeah, nothing amazing like yours though." I replied.

"I would love to listen to them sometime," He said way too eagerly.

"uhh...yea. I don't think that's a good idea," I found myself saying hesitantly.

"Why not?," He asked

"It's just not a good idea," I persisted then quickly got up before my tears started falling. But curse my stupid tears as they were already trickling down my all too moist cheek.

"Are you crying?" He asked suprised at the turn of events he couldn't make sense of in his mind.

"No, I got to go" I replied quickly before I turned to face away from him and made a run to my house, ran up the stairs and locked myself in my room before I let my own tirade fully set in.


	5. Chapter 5

"You got me day-dreaming of a sun I'll never see, and baby when your with me all else fades away, grab me by my hand, oh your laughter fills me, lets run away, escape with me, tomorrow's endless with you by my side, no more downpour when your with me, I can finally breathe..."

I could remember his voice as he sang this to me, he said I had inspired it. I remember the touch of his gentle hands as he picked me up in the air as if I was a rag doll and placed me on his bed while he performed it to me. I remember the speechless look on his face when I didn't applaud or say anything, when in reality I was almost in tears. It had been the greatest thing anyone had ever done for me. And my being madly in love with him might have urged my tears a little quicker.

It was five in the morning and I could hear singing down the street again. I knew it was Blake, and after what had happened yesterday morning at the pond I honestly felt guilty for ditching him like that, with no explanation. Especially since he seemed to care, which I happen to question more than I should. Either way I knew I had no one in this world since Michael had died and there was something about Blake that made me want to know him, that made me care.

So I quickly hussled out of bed put on the first jacket I could find, replaced my slippers with converse and snuck out my window. Being on the second story wasn't necessarily helpful but I made it down with only a couple scratches. I then leisurely took my time down the street to where he sat, allowing myself to let his voice be my guide. He did honestly have a beautiful voice. As he was facing the other way I quickly sat next to him until he noticed on his own time I was next to him.

"Jesus!, you scared the hell out of me!" said Blake.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to" I replied.

"What are you doing here?" he asked.

"So I'm not forgiven for earlier?" I pondered outloud.

"I'm sorry if I upset you earlier, I didn't know what happened, I'm just confused" he said.

"Don't worry about what happened, lets just start fresh, shall we?" I proposed.

"Sure, well what now?" Blake asked.

"Tell me about yourself" I said.

And so he did, we spent about 2 hours talking (well he did most of the talking) about many things. He talked about how he had moved here because his dad was a manager to a major company and had expanded to Florida now. He had moved a bunch of times in his life, he was used to it, he was as well tired of it, but really liked Florida, with all the sun and beautiful beaches so he didn't complain much. He as well talked about all his friends he left behind, about how they were all really great but none of them really understood him. And now that he was in Florida everybody treated him exactly the same except for myself.

"How do I treat you differently?" I asked.

"Well you don't pretend to be into football because I'm a jock, your not a girl wearing a mini skirt and laughing louder then everyone else for attention, you lay low. You're pretty different" hesaid confidently.

I looked up at the sky as the sun was about to rise thinking I am different. But I hadn't always been. The same is what people like. The same is what I used to be.

"I like different, theres all too much of the same in this world" he said as he interrupted my thoughts.

"I just don't care what people think" I said feeling dignified.

"What happened that made you think that way?" he asked.

"You always ask me the questions I don't want to answer" I replied trying not to sound rude.

"Maybe one day you'll want to respond to them" he replied.

"Maybe, you just don't give up do you?" I taunted.

"Nope, I never do, giving up is giving in to defeat. This life has taught me alot of things, dealt me alot of cards I wasn't expecting nor ready for but I didn't sit back and take it, I gathered my aces and beat life at its own game" said Blake as he looked at me intensely.

"Your not just any other guy either Blake. I guess I just haven't gathered my aces yet" I said feeling the pain in my chest again.

"Well if you let me in, I could help you find them" he replied.

I looked away as I thought of the invitation, I didn't consider it, but I definitely thought about it before I stood up kissed him on the cheek and made my way back to my open window. In my mind I was telling him thank you while knowing my heart wasn't capable of opening up. But as he said '..maybe one day...' , I fell asleep with that in mind.


	6. Chapter 6

I turned restlessly in my sleep, it was another typical, painful night. I had so much running through my mind, from Blakes preposition to confide in him, to everything that had to do with Michael, though Michael was my usual cause for sleepless nights anyways. Either way I tried to make the best of it so I took out my journal and started writing:

"The sun has an end, I slip through it.

The water touches my burning skin, I find comfort in it.

You give me everything, then cruely take it away from me.

I find every reason to love you, you leave me breathlessly.

And as you left, you rip me of everything, my arms now bare, see through me."

"Gahhh" I say frustruated. Writing anything and everything I feel has been my only outlet since Michael died and it's just not enough anymore, it's never been enough but now more then ever do I feel the need to rip every song I've written, poem, and letter that i've written him since. Because each time I look down to my words I feel like they're engraved on my heart, so no matter how hard I try to forget, to move on, I just feel it harder. And each time it tears me down to the point were im sobbing into my pillow trying to control my heart from falling out of my chest.

Progress is just not happening, it's been months since his death, and for all I care it could be decades my pains hopeless. And the only reason I continue this life is because I know he's up there somewhere watching down on me. Watching down on me and thinking, "Stop it already!You're strong enough, and when you think you can't go on anymore remember I never left you." I laugh at the thought everytime though because he never has left me, he's increvised in every inkling of my life, attatched. Attatched to every part of me so I'll never move on, I'll never stop hurting.

"Tap, tap, tap," I hear, which breaks me out of my depressing trance. The sound came from the window, and it's obviously not raining so I go and check my window.

"Boo," says Blake.

I fall back onto my rooms carpet not because he actually scared me, but because of the state I'm in and his presence, they just don't mix.

"The heck, what are you doing here?" I say in a shaky voice, it was obvious I had been crying, my voice, my red eyes, my moist cheeks. I just wanted to crawl into a hole and hide. This guy really didn't know the deffinition of boundaries. I mean we weren't even friends, were we? Did he assume we were?

Blake then offers me his hand to get up, I don't take it, instead I just sit there silently thinking what in the world do I have to tell him to make him leave without sounding rude. I mean even if we weren't friends which is what I hoped for, there was a part of me that cared about him, as much as I hated to admit it.

"You need to leave" I say. It's the best thing I can think of.

He sits down on the floor in front of me, staring at me dead on, I felt so raw, so bare, like somebody could finally see exactly how I felt after all those months. I felt exposed, he HAD to leave.

"Whats wrong?" he asks me.

"Blake you don't know the half of it, ok? You don't know me, you never will. I know your a good person, who for some reason seems to care about me which is completely stupid since I'm not worth it. I don't know what you want from me, for me to be your friend? I don't have friends Blake, I don't need them. I will disappoint you, I'm a terrible friend to have. Please Blake, _please_ understand, leave." I said with every ounce of what was left in my heart.

"No, your wrong, you sit here holding everything from me, when you just need someone to be there, and here I am throwing myself at you, offering myself and you deny me? No. Thats not how it works, I don't care what title you give me, I just want to help you." He responds reaching out for my hands as I pull them back.

" I don't need help!" I almost shrieked as I got up walked into my bathroom and shut the door behind me.

I could hear him walking onto the outside of the bathroom door, " You're wrong, I don't want to upset you" he said more softly..."I just wanted you to know i'm here. I'll always be here for you."

"Don't make promises you can't keep" I spat back at him.

"I promise you" he almost begged.

"Just like Michael promised me huh? Just like..." I said before I started sobbing again. Before I'd say something I'd regret.

I opened the bathroom door to find him sitting on the other side with a frustruated yet caring look on his face.

"Michael?" he said questioningly.

"Forget it" I said through my tears.

Before I knew it he had pulled me in towards his chest, wrapping his arms tightly around me, like how I wished to wrap my heart from its wounds. I found myself allowing myself to give in, to his gesture, to his comfort. We stood there for a while, it may have been akward to look at for so long, but in my mind it was like a small healing. Like that was what he was trying to do. I looked up at him through my tears and simply said "Thank you." He just hugged me tighter.

I was wrapped in his arms the next morning when I woke up. And as I stared up at him I pictured he had the same alarm in his mind as myself when my mother yelled out "I'm bringing you your breakfast honey."


	7. Chapter 7

_Im screwed. I'm so totally screwed, _said my thoughts shouting back at me.

"Get in my bathroom now!" I whisper as loudly as I can to Blake who was still lying next to my bed enveloped in his own horror written all over his face. "Now!" I say more aggresively. He then quickly rushes to the bathroom as I close the door in on him as soon as my mom walks in. "Alessandra whats going on?" she asks. _Screwed. Screwed. Screwed._ I think to myself. "Nothing Mom" I say as calmly as possible.

"Honey I know the past few months have been harsh, Michaels death was devas.."Stop it! I can't deal with this right now, you don't understand, nobody does , ok? Please go, I just want to be alone" I responded bluntly, I knew it would hurt her, I knew it, but like the selfish human I am I continue to hurt people because my hurt is too much to bare. "Honey..." she continued.

"_Please..."_ I replied.

She walked out my room turning back only once, but that was all it took for me to see the tears starting to stream down her face. And after a few moments Blake walked out of my bathroom his face full of judgement. I couldn't take it from him either so I just said "Don't you see Blake? Don't you see? I'm not a good person, maybe I used to be but i'm just not that girl anymore, I WILL NEVER BE THAT GIRL AGAIN. I destroy my parents more each and every day, but I can't be anything more than this Blake. I. Just. Can't." I said pained

He looked at me for what felt like years before he softly said, " Alessandra I'm not going to judge you, I don't know what you've been through, I don't know you, but I would like to."

"Why?" I say with my traitor tears overflowing my eyes again.

"Because underneath it all you're so much more" he says sincerely.

I wish I could beleive that, I wish I really could, but I just can't it. Because beleiving beautiful lies is more painful than knowing a harsh truth.

"I can't deal with this right now" I say no longer caring about his feelings being hurt because mine were overbaring.

"You don't have to, meet me at the pond at 12:00 PM sharp, ok?" he said while he made his exit through my window. "Ok?" he said again questioningly.

"Fine" I say, it's not like I have anything better to do with my life, oh wait I do.

He then quickly jumped down grunting as he hit the hard grass and ran towards his house down the curb, looking back just once.

I paced and fidgeted as I waited for the long hours to pass, theres truly nothing to do when you find no purpose in living anymore. I kept watching the clock it was exactly 12:00 and with nothing but endless time on my hands I was still questioning whether I should actually meet up with him. Then with a sigh of defeat I got up rushed down the stairs, slammed the front door and walked myself down to where we had met last time, which was Michael and I's place. Blake was an intruder there, it felt wrong with him there, but I couldn't tell him to go somewhere else without explaining why, so I just dealt with it as I found him sitting under Michaels tree with all the ease in the world. There it was, that huge pang in my chest again reminding me how wrong this all was. But I went forward and quitely sat down next to him. He then stood up and offerred me his hand in assistance, I just sat there questioning his intentions until he said "I'm going to show you a fun time Ms. grumpy" he said in a way most girls would think is cute. "Come on, if you completely hate it I promise you never have to talk to me again" he said too confidently. I went through all my options in my head then took his hand finding it to be the least painful. "Thanks" he replied.

He then walks me to his blue Nissan Altima, I get in hesitantly wondering what the heck I had just gotten myself into. "I just cleaned it" He said proudly talking about his car, it was rather clean, and smelled like fresh leather. We then headed out, I didn't ask many questions so the trip there was full of akward silence. Blake tried to small talk but I never gave him any answers that could keep a conversation going, so it seemed longer in the silence.

"We're here" he said.

I looked around me and found nothing but trees and shrubs and nothing of interest so I looked at him and said, "what exactly is here?" He didn't respond instead he practically tackled me out of my car and dragged me towards a huge open area, it went on for miles on endless miles. "What is this?" I asked again. "Paradise" he replied. I obviously didn't get it, this 'paradise' he spoke of must have been password protected for only his own eyes because all my eyes could register was an endless green field. "Over there don't you see it?" He asked me. I shook my head no in response. He then found the nearest tree and helped me climb up its closest limb, I got up on my fifth try embarassingly. He got up on his first. _Showoff,_ I thought.

"Now do you see it?" he asked, so I squinted and looked in the direction he was pointing and there it was this huge wall rising out of no where. My jaw drops, not from the wall but the sight the wall contains, it's completely graffitied, theres not one spot on the canvas that isn't. I looked to the left side of the wall and found a small boy drawn with a beer bottle in his hand and his father next to him handing him another. To the right of the wall I saw two telescopes, one showed darkness, the other light, one showed beauty, the other death. Everything on the wall was so intriquitly spray painted it brought emotions to my mind.

"Isn't it beautiful?" he said. "Breathtaking" I replied.

"I found it about a month ago on a hiking trip, I've come back many times since, coming here clears me head" he continues.

"It's amazing, I love it, it tells a million stories" I reply.

"That's exactly what I wanted to hear you say, it does tell a million stories, everybody has a story, some harder then others, but all still of worth" he intervenes.

I knew exactly where he was going with this, I was expecting it, I was dreading it.

"Who's Michael?" he asks.

My heart plummets.


	8. Chapter 8

"I knew I shouldn't have come" I said back to Blake. And with no time to think, no time to acess what I was actually doing. I jumped out of the tree branch I was sitting in and completley rolled my ankle in one agonizing split second. I grunted and bit down on my lip trying with all my will not to cry.

"Oh my God, let me help you" insisted Blake. But I just ignored him and carried on trying to limp away from him till I reached the closest road and collapsed on the leg that was sprained.

"Please Alessandra" he said offering me both his arms, "I can carry you to the car, we will be at the hospital in no time." I looked away then slowly looked back at him with pain written all over my face I nodded once and was suddenly in his arms. He raced me towards his car, I had never actually noticed how bulky he really was. I could feel his arms flexing and his abbs rubbing on my side, but all I could concentrate was the pain shooting up from my ankle. We got to the car in what felt like ages where he layed me down in the backseat, and rushed to the wheel. I had never seen anybody drive so fast and recklessly in my life. "I'm not going to the hospital" I said through my pain. He looked at me like I was completley insane. "You sprained your ankle and it's swelling is only getting worse, you need to get a doctor to look at it" he said in disagreement. "No, Blake I'll be fine just take me...take me...I don't know anywhere but my house or the hospital" I replied hopelessly. And so he did, before I knew it we were about 5 blocks from my house, in his driveway.

There was no one home thankfully. He picked me up again and layed me down on his couch, while he went to go get me ice.

"Thanks" I managed to say as he slowly but deliberately placed the ice on my swollen ankle. He just looked as he sulked in his own guilt so I said, "It's not your fault I jumped and have terrible agility."

"Want something to drink?" was all he could respond.

We sat there drinking pina-coladas with both my legs on top of his thighs, me laying across the couch, and him sitting on one end. He flipped through channels while I closed my eyes. After twenty minutes my ice-pack had melted, he replaced it with a new one and made me smores.

For someone who I tried to dislike and stay away from so badly he really made it hard for me. I mean he was so sweet, his intentions were clear he wanted to know me, not the me everybody else knows that is bitter at the world for all its done to me, but the me before that, which I so desperately wished he understood he would never find. So I sat there in contemplation when Blake said, "You jumped off the branch because I asked you who Michael was." He wasn't making a question. He was stating what he already knew. I just looked towards the television as I felt the guilt eating at my finger-tips. "Yes, but it's not your fault, you've been nothing but nice to me, and I've been nothing but rude to you. You don't deserve it. I..I'm sorry." I finally say. " I promise to never mention him, nor ask about anything personal again" he says dejectedly. "Thanks, I should really get home now though, my parents are going to flip if I don't show up to dinner" I reply indifferently.

He walked me out and helped me limp my way to my own home where I found my parents gone to my luck. So it was safe to go through the front door, Blake stayed on my porch until I invited him in, he walked in akwardly obviously feeling out of place. He asked me if I had a first aid-kit so I found it and handed it to him. He was suprisingly crafty, he bandadged my ankle up to the point you could tell it was swollen but couldn't see the green-purple bruise color underneath.

"Michael was my best friend. He died a couple months ago, in a car accident" I recite almost in monotone trying to keep all emotions away.

I don't know exactly why I told him, maybe it was because I felt like my silence was tearing me apart, and since screaming wasn't an option telling him was the only second. Either way, he didn't know the depth of it, he didn't know I was madly in love with Michael. He didn't know I never got the chance to tell Michael my true feelings, and now never would be able too, he didn't know the half of it. I intended on keeping it that way.

"Oh my God, I'm so sorry..I don't know what it's like to lose anyone. I know its not easy, and I know thats an understatement but time heals everything" he says softly.

Blake was the first person that I had talked about Michael at my own will, it was my descision, I sincerely hoped I wouldn't regret it.

"I'm not holding my breath on it" I say thats when I hear keys moving in the lock. He already knew the routine as he stepped out the back sliding door, but not before looking back, and from what I can make out he said, "It'll all be ok." I couldn't help but smile because even if it wasn't true I needed to hear it.


	9. Chapter 9

"Where have you been?" asks my father, you could read the rage all over his face.

I turn quickly from the back sliding door in which Blake had just snuck out of. I explain to them I went out with a friend, they laughed at me like it was a joke in disbelief. I couldn't blame them, since Michaels death I've had no friends, my life has completely altered. Me, myself and I is all I've had, I was starting to get used to it, to find comfort in it, then Blake showed up confusing my thoughts on alot of things.

My parents take one look at my ankle and explode. It went from lecturing to ranting to endless yelling, I tried to tune it out and looked at the floor, which only pissed them off further.

"That's it, you're grounded. I've just about had it with your attitude. I get it Michael died, its not easy but that gives you no right to treat me nor your father with such disrespect, your a sixteen year old girl. What right do you think you have to leave when you want on your own terms without telling either one of us, and what friend? You've been anti-social with absolutely everyone. This is a family, and you are part of this family whether you like it or not. We've given you time to put yourself back together, now it's your time to move on. Because whether you like it or not he's not coming back, you have to accept it, go on with your life. Now go to your room, we will take you to the doctors tomorrow."

This was the first time my mom hadn't shown me sympathy, hadn't considered my feelings. And it was the first time she had talked about Michael, I winced as the words came out of her mouth, as his name sliced another scar on my heart. I know I deserved to hear what she told me, I knew I had put her through alot of crap as well, but that dosen't mean It didn't hurt like Hell to hear her talk about Michael, to hear her- just like everybody else- tell me to move on, as if it was easy, it wasn't a descision, it was a state of mind, a state of mind I'd never achieve. I looked her dead in the eyes my face raw with anger, with bitterness. I turned towards the stairs and stomped my way up, with my ankle aching at every hit. It felt good. It felt exactly the same way my heart felt -abused.

I slammed my door, locked it and then walked to my bathroom where I almost jumped back at my own unrecognizable reflection in the mirror. I saw my bloodshot red eyes that stood out against my dark brown pupils. I saw my light olive face ridded with pain. I saw my long black hair that Michael loved so dearly, and I saw the scissor that lay on my sink. I grabbed it and started cutting away, I cried as I watched it fall, but I didn't stop. I couldn't. I kept cutting till it was inches above my shoulders, totally uneven, a total mess.

It felt liberating of all the memories that Michael and I had shared were being cut in my hair, it may have felt that way only for a couple seconds but it was enought to make my mind think I was high off of it. I looked down at the mess I had created, my dark locks all over my bathroom tile. I looked up at my reflection again to see the mess I had become. I then looked up to know the messed up of a world that I lived in.

I climbed into bed, I cried till no tears were left to cry, as I found myself falling asleep at last.

The next morning my mom took me to the doctors appointment making no commentary on my haircut, she was still too furious from yesterday and it was my hair anyway, in her eyes I had already slipped away from her, and I kept slipping more each and every day. The wait seemed endless but once I finally got my check up I told the Dr. I had tripped on the side of a couch, she seemed to beleive it and put a small cast like wrapping around it.

After the appointment I was dropped off at school, it was about 9:30 in the morning so I started my day off in third period. I got a bunch of "She's psycho" , "What a freak" stares from everybody in the class because of my new hair, including the teacher which made me laugh in my mind. People are so naive. I almost felt ashamed that these people judging me were the same people I used to consider my friends a few months ago. After Michael died they went on with their lives without a hitch, I practically had to learn how to live mine again. I've learned they were never truly his friends and never truly mine neither. "Please sit down " called out my science teacher. And so I did, I walked down the aisles hearing giggles and comments about myself all the way down, ignoring all of them, well close to all of them. Blake passed me a note after I sat down, it read:

"New look?, I actually like it, badass haha. Did your parents bust you because of your ankle?, I'm still really sorry about that. I wanted you to have fun, but to make it up to you sneak out around 7. I have another idea, a normal idea of fun, promise. - Blake"

I looked up at him, his eyes were glued to me as well, then slowly but surely I nodded. I then watched how easily the smile arose upon his face, a small unrecognizable warm feeling filled up in my stomach, I almost smiled.


	10. Chapter 10

"Hurry up, and don't peek," Blake told me as he guided me through what seemed like woods.

"I don't like suprises" I said honestly, I truly didn't. Too much suspense, too much to contemplate.

"Ok, we're here, vuala" he said as he took off my blind folds.

"Oh my gosh, this place is beautiful" I said breathtaken with the view in front of me. Directly in front of me was the most gorgeous waterfall that plummeted to the water area underneath. The water looked like see through crystal blue, I could see all the way to the bottom. To my right was a small field with the greenest grass i'd ever seen, and to my left was more lush greenery.

"What do you want to do first, eat or swim?" Blake asked.

I just stared at him as the setting sun hit down on his perfectly structured face kind of aw struck. His golden-brownish hair almost blonde in the sunlight, and his face gleaming with it, he was beautiful.

"Alessandra...?" he said again probably thinking I had some major mental issues.

"Oh sorry" I said snapping out of my trance. "Uhh...I'm not going swimming, I didn't bring a swimsuit." 'Ha' I thought to myself entitled to feeling clever as he hadn't thought this whole suprise through. He then tossed me a white bikini saying it was his sisters, and he was just borrowing it with a sly look on his face. I bit my lip the way I always did when I was nervous. "Don't worry you can go change over there, I'll be setting up the picnic for afterwards, on the complete other side, I won't look, swear." He really had thought everything through I thought in panic.

_Crap._

I walked myself behind the bushes on the other side of the small grass area. I looked at the small bikini, small was an understatment. It was exactly what I would wear before Michael died, something that screamed for attention, because I was just confident in every essence of the word. I liked the attention, it made me feel good, but now I hide from it at all costs. _Stop being such a wuss_. I thought to myself. It's not like I was at a public beach or anything, it was just me and Blake, which made me even more nervous. I wonder if people would consider this a date, I wonder if he considered this a date. I just came out here with him because it took my mind off things, well most of the time, and I didn't completely hate his company either.

I took a heavy breath and started undressing myself as I could completely see Blake on the other side setting up his little picnic, the bush only covered me to my neck. The bikini was on and I couldn't have felt more uncomfortable if I tried. And once I had mustered up enough nerve I walked around the bushes back to where he was with the small pink towel he had handed me before. He looked at me, not in a wierd uncomfortable way but in a way that reminded me why I had felt confident before. "Ready to go in?" he asked his smile growing bigger. "No, not at all" I replied honestly. He then took off his shirt and I couldn't help but look. I don't think any girl on this earth could have helped it either. He had a perfect body to match his very attractive face. I quickly looked away before he could see me, but I had a feeling he saw me.

He grabbed my hand forcing my towel to drop to the grass. I looked down akwardly, trying to find my long hair in which I could hide myself away, but all I found was my short hair that made me even more insecure. I'm sure my cheeks were beat red. He didn't even look at my body, which I appreciated, as he helped me climb up towards the top of the waterfall. "This is it, jump or I'll push you in, your choice" he said seriously. I bet I looked like a ghost. "I'm just joking, lighten up" he said gently punching my shoulder. "Funny" I replied. I looked down at what awaited me, I'm sure there were no rocks underneath, that wasn't what concered me, what concerned me was the impact of the water, it was mid-August in sunny Florida but I was still concerned on how cold the water might be, but most importantly I hated the sensation of falling.

"Are you scared?" Blake asked. "Me, scared? ha" I said way too unconvincingly. I knew he could totally see through it. "My dad brought me here a couple months ago, he told me to think of anything I wanted to free myself of when I jumped. You should try it." I looked up at him coyly he always had something to say, I couldn't help but smile up at him. He smiled back and offered me his hand. I took it without hesitation this time. We both took a step forward in unison right onto the edge.

"Wait, I can't do this" I blurted out right before we were about to jump. I ran back to a bench a collapsed tree trunk had created and sat myself down on it. He walked towards me and sat beside me before he said " I can't tell you I understand Alessandra, I can't tell you I've been through what you've gone through. I can't. But I can tell you you will get through it." A small tear rolled down my cheek, he wiped it away cautiously touching my face, as if asking if the gesture was ok with me. I didn't object. "I know I'm asking alot of you right now, but I want you to trust me. To let go of the rest of the world, of your past for right now, right this second, and just trust me." I closed my eyes. Breathed in. Then opened them again and took the biggest leap of faith I had ever tooken in my life once I said: "I trust you." I then offered my hand to him and he took it in a heartbeat before pulling me in for a tight hug. We were half naked, but at that moment in time I didn't seem to care, as I found comfort in it. Our bodies melted into one anothers, and i'm positive he could feel my heavy heartbeat going in a chaotic frenzy. His hand rubbed circles on my back, and I just closed my eyes resting my face on his muscular chest taking the moment in, taking the feeling of no worry in. That's when I realized I didn't find comfort in the hug. I found comfort in him.

We walked to the ledge once again, "You don't have to do this alone, this jump, and this life." I smiled, and I felt the light blush on my face. He made me feel safe. Even if it was just for that one second, it still counted. "Get on my back" he said. "What?" I said not understanding. " If we are going to jump, we'll jump together." I stood back and questioned his seriousness and he looked pretty serious. So I cautiously got on his back releived I hadn't had a big meal earlier that would only make me weigh more. "I'm too heavy" I still said uncertainly. "You're a feather" he said as I wrapped my legs around his toned physique. He grabbed my legs securely and I lay my upper body on his back as he counted to three.

I took in my one last breath before we were soaring. It may have been a split second but it was the biggest rush I had, had in my entire life. Exilerating. We hit the water and I found myself untangling myself from his body. I went a couple feet down and could remember opening my eyes taking it all in, taking in the fear and the liberation that followed. I then came back up practically panting. Blake asked me if I was alright out of concern. I suprised myself by swimming towards him and entangling my body back on his in a hug, I was suprised at my forwardness. But in my mind I was thanking him for convincing me to do it. It was exactly what I needed.

We swam around for what felt like half an hour before deciding to get out and eat.

"I took a cooking class last summer, so what would you like? I made Feticcini sphaggetii and chicken and shrimp with red tail." He said. "Is there anything you can't do?" I replied. "uhh, play violin. My mom signed me up when I started middle school, I played it for two years and quit after my mom flat out told me I sucked and made no progress" he said laughing.

"Violin was never my thing either" I said winking back at him jokingly. He smiled back at me.

We sat there eating in silence, it was peaceful. I ate a little bit of everything and complimeneted his cooking skills as his food was absolutely to die for.

We lay there afterwards on the grass, bodies side by side, looking up at the setting sun. My mind is usually far away, from everyone, from everything but not when I was with him that day, not when I lay there next to him. My mind just focused on here and now, it was strange to experience.

"You're stronger then you think" he whispered to me, as we were merely inches away, our glistening bodies practically touching. I turned my head over to him and found him looking back at me. "That makes one of us who thinks that" was all I could find to respond.

"Michael must have been a hell of a lucky guy to have a friend like you" Blake said.

"No, I was the lucky one. He was the greatest thing I had, the greatest thing I'll ever have, and now he's g-gone" I stuttered. "It's like they took away how to breathe" I continued.

"You were in love with him weren't you?" he asked me. It was so sudden, so deliberate. I must have been so obvious.

"I..." was all the words I found. I had never confessed my love for Michael to anyone. Ever. "..._am _in love with him" I choked out.

He looked at me again, his face impossible to read, before he looked away again. He looked completely the other way, not staring up at the sky nor myself. He stayed like that for a while. I didn't question him. I just lay there my heart pounding so hard I swear he could hear it. I had just told him my biggest secret, my biggest pain, I truly had trusted him. I lay there awaiting his response.

"He really was a lucky guy" he responded after a few minutes of silence. I didn't know exactly what to respond to that so I said, "Not that it will ever matter anyway."

"Did he love you back?" he asked. I got up from my laying position and curled up hugging my knees with my arms. He tried to comfort me, to reach out his hand on my shoulder, but I shrugged it off. I couldn't find any will in my body willing to confess to Blake that Michael didn't love me back. That I never told him, that he could have never loved me.

I got up suddenly and dived back into the water, plundging into the now pitch black water looking up at him waiting for his reaction. He simply jumped in after me before apologizing. I told him it was ok. I would have told him anything to drop the subject.

I then swam towards the edge about to get out but not before he could reach me. He turned me around, and it was too late, the tears were already streaming down my face. He didn't ask me why, he didn't question me anymore, probably because I cried too often. Instead he grabbed my hand, he squeezed it, for a second I thought he was actually trying to hurt me. I looked over at him in confusion, he didn't say anything he just took some of my cropped hair out of my face and placed his face mere inches away from mine. I didn't move, I was perfectly still not even breathing. "He was an idiot not to love you back" he said. I felt his breath on my face, I felt it's warmth. I was at a loss for words and his closeness wasn't helping my ability to think. His eyes pierced through mine as we just looked at each other, none of us looking away, till I parted my eyes first. His intensity was too much to handle for so long.

"You know I hear what people say about you at school, and I really don't care what they think, so I want you to sit with me at lunch tomorrow" he confessed randomly a few minutes later.

"How they say i'm a psycopathic freak?, ha" I laughed as I felt my hand glide through my newly shortly cropped hair fludding myself with thoughts, with pain. "But you're not. And whatever the reason for your drastic haircut is none of their bussiness. I love your hair cut, and the way the moonlight hits your face is breathtaking, sit with me tomorrow." I looked up at him in a trance, did he just say that? I should be saying thank you but all I could think about was him saying moonlight. "Oh my God, It's 11:00! I'm so done for. My parents already killed me for my ankle yesterday, then my haircut, and now this. I'm going to be on lockdown, I already am, I'm supposed to be grounded!" I confess rushing out of the water. He follows me out and we head for his car practically soaking wet but not before I manage to trip over his feet and he tumbles on top of me. He stays there, our body inches away, he looked at me strangley as if deciding on doing something. I lay there with my heart racing again, not only feeling the pain of my ankle again, but the pain of his proximity as I looked into his hazel eyes that only reminded me of Michael. I quickly turned my head to the right facing a bush in the distance. He then got off me and helped me up. "I'm a clutz, sorry" is all i managed to get out.

"I'm really sorry for soaking up your car" I say still in my bikini with wet hair as he rushes towards town.

"It's fine really, are you going to change back into your normal clothes?" He asks me.

"Uhh.." Is all I say.

"It's cool, just bring me the bikini to school, you can give it to me then" he explains.

"Thanks Blake, your a good friend" I reply. I found myself in shock as I had just asessed Blake as my friend, without hesitation. I actually didn't mind.

"No problem, see you tomorrow, I hope you don't get into to much trouble, I'm sorry I lost track of time" said Blake as he dropped me off in my driveway. I could already see my parents staring out through the living room window. " If i'm not at school tomorrow, they put me up for adoption" I said jokingly secretly scared to death of what they might consider dispriveledging me of. "By the way, I had _fun_" I said before he gently brushed his hand on mine by accident, but it was enough to send chills up my spine. "I'll be waiting for you at lunch" he replied before I shut the door of his Altima and walked inside my home awaiting the rath of my parents that was my fate. But for the shortest amount of time I didn't care what awaited me because for those few hours I had gotten away from the world, from the pain and found a safety net. Blake was my safety net, which scared the Hell out of me to admit.


	11. Chapter 11

I lay in my bed, it was pitch black but I kept my eyes open anyways as I remembered the day I had just lived.

"Over here" called out Blake as he motioned me to come towards him in the cafeteria. I cautiously walked towards him as I saw all the glares everybody in the room was giving me, they had never bothered me before, but for some reason they were bothering me now. I then sat myself down next to him, no one else was at our table, it was as if he had planned it. But to come and think about it, he hadn't planned it, It's just none of Blakes other friends wanted to be even seen next to me. I was a huge plague of useless to them, and they didn't mind sharing their opinion of me whatsoever.

"Hey" he said, "Hi" I replied.

He caught me secretly looking towards them, towards the rest of the cafeteria full of teenage onlookers gawking at Blake and I, judgement in each thing they whispered to one another, and in each thought their little brains could think. I was just about to get up when Blake said, "Don't pay attention to them, they're not worth it." He was right, I knew he was right but it didn't make it bother me any less.

We ate our lunches talking about anything he offered, he always offered the topic, it's just how it worked between us. Lunch was flying by, and I found his careless chit-chat calming, well at the least better then sitting in a bathroom stall eating my lunch alone letting my own depressing thoughts of Michael cloud my head. Then Marcie decided to join us. I could hear the _click-clack-click-clack_ of her high-heels from miles away. She sat down on the other side of the round table in front of us moving her cat eyes from Blake to myself and then back again.

"Mind if I join you two?" she asked, obviously not caring what either one of us were going to respond to her pointless question because she wasn't going to leave anyway.

Blake nor I responded but both felt the tenseness in the air like fog before a downpour.

"So Blake why are you sitting over here today? I saved you a perfectly good seat next to me, like I always do, join me?" she asked him. I figured she was testing him, but he just looked through her and responded, "Thanks, but no thanks." Thats when she cracked, she couldn't stand the idea that Blake would choose me over her on anything. "What's your deal? You obviously belong with my friends and me over there, why are you sitting with this pathetic sob story. 'Oh Michael died, he was my best friend, he was my everything, blah blah blah' well guess what? he's gone Alessandra. Gone. You and your precious Michael were never going to happen anyway. You used to actually be somebody, get a grip" said Marcie in her high whiny voice staring straight at me. I felt the pang in my chest again. If my heart had stitches she was ripping them away, slowly, one after another. I got up, I didn't have to take that from her. I didn't have to take that from anyone.

I was halfway down the hallway tears overflowing when I turned around and walked back towards the cafeteria, back towards something unfinished, and I was about to finish it.

I slammed open the door and walked myself up to her table where I found Blake yelling at her, his intentions seemed right but the conquest of his words should be coming from my mouth, not his. I tapped his shoulder and he quickly assessed me before squeezing my hand in comfort and walking behind me leaving me to face Marcie.

"I don't get you Marcie, I really don't. You and I used to be friends, best friends even. When I met Michael everything changed. I wasn't replacing you, that was never my intention. At my fourteenth birthday party you planned me a huge surprise party and invited everyone. I loved every second of that party, I knew you were truly a good friend, then I walked outside to find you and Michael kissing, at my party! You don't have any idea how much that hurt me. You don't have any idea what it felt like. But I forgave you, I got over it. But now I just don't understand why you hate me so much?..." I could feel the tears about to overflow again. I could hear my voice giving out. "What did I ever do to you? You know what, It dosen't even matter. You won Marcie, you finally fucking won."

I walked away from the crowd that surrounded her and myself, I walked away from a small part of my past, but most importantly I walked away with no regret.

"Wait up" called out Blake from behind me.

"That was amazing, what you did back there, but I don't think she won at all" he continued.

"I just feel like being alone right now, if you don't mind" I stated.

"Yeah, sure, whatever you want" he said less energetically.

"I'll see you tomorrow then" I said before leaving. I walked towards my vintage red Corvette Chevrolet turned my key in the ignition, pulled in reverse and headed straight home. But as soon as I walked through my living room I looked up to see my mothers face. Great, I thought.

"We need to talk" was all she said. No screaming, no yelling, no pissed off face, just those casual words that still managed to terrify me.

"I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't ditch..I just.." I said before she interuppted.

"Alessandra I have no idea how hard this will be for you, but I know it's very hard for me to tell you" she said.

She most deffinitley had my full attention.

"We're moving" she finally says.

"What? No. I won't allow it! We can't move, this is my home. I'm not going anywhere" I practically scream at her deffensively

My mind wonders off for a few seconds thinking back on everything I'd leave behind. And it all sums up in my mind to one concluding person: Michael. And I would never leave him behind. Not the memories that we created, not the places we've been together, not the feelings I experienced with him, even at his suttle touch. My parents couldn't ask this of me, yet they did. But my answer would be no, even if they weren't asking a question.

"It's not your choice Honey, it your father and I's choice, and we say go"

"Why?" I retort.

"Because this will all be easier for you to deal with without constant reminders of him..., without memories that don't seem to fade" she answered me.

"No Mom, _please"_ I practically begged, "You can't do this to me, haven't I been through enough?"

"This will help you, you don't have any friends anymore, you need this" she said confident in her decision.

"This is about socialisation? You've got to be kidding me!" I then back peddled from screaming at her and deffending myself to trying to reason with her, "Mom I have a friend. His name Is Blake, I was with him when I sprained my ankle, I was with him out late last night too. I can't just leave everything behind anyway. I just can't. Give me a month, maybe two, I promise you Mom. Promise, I will change" I said happy I had evidence, and willing to say anything in order to convince her to stay.

She looked at me with doubt filling up her stubborn face, "Fine, but you've got two months, then If I decide to leave, we're leaving, no objections." I let out a sigh of releif, of everything that that moment had built up inside of me.

"Thank you" I said before heading upstairs and laying down thinking: _How the Hell am I going to pull this off?_

I closed my eyes then after remembering the day, I took a deep breath and looked at my night table I could dimly see a picture of Michael giving me a piggy back ride at a park. My arms wrapped around his neck, my legs around his torso completely sustained by him. Both our eyes glowing with elation, with pure happiness. I tried to remember what it felt like, because I had to feel like that again if I wanted to stay. I had to be happy.


	12. Chapter 12

"Alessandra theres someone on the phone asking for you" calls out my father from downstairs.

"Ugh, tell them I'm not home" I respond, not in the mood to talk to anyone.

After the conversation with my Mom yesterday about moving my head hadn't stopped throbbing. I had to figure something out, all I knew is I had to somehow show them I'm happy, show them I've changed. Show them exactly what they want to see, that I'm their sweet, lovable daughter again. But the harsh reality was that that girl they loved, their daughter is gone. She was replaced by a moody, depressed, bitter girl.

For this girl there was no brightside, just different shades of dark. For this girl there was no up, just deeper depths in her fall. For this girl was myself.

"Blake told me to tell you you were invited to a party at his house, and he would love it if you'd go. It's tonight at 8:00. You should go Sweetheart, these four walls is all you see all day. You should get out and socialize. He seems like a nice guy, I bet he has his eye on you" says my Father walking into my room.

"He's just a friend Dad, and parties aren't my thing" I respond to his elated face after he had heard me refer to someone as my friend.

"Parties were your thing all the time before, you were a party animal" he said trying to be funny. It wasn't working. "My little girl had all the friends in the world, everybody wanted to be her friend, there wasn't one party she wasn't invited to" said my Father.

It killed me, it really did. Everytime he talked about me in third person, everytime he reminded me of who I used to be, and compared me once again. He didn't understand just how far gone I really was, and for his own sake I didn't let him know how far gone I truly was either. I let him go on with hope that this would all blow over and I'd be 'his little girl again' because if that made him the least bit happier I'd do it for him, I owed him that much.

"I'll think about going Dad" I said as he awaited my response with hope in his eyes.

"I love you Sweetheart, I hope you know that" he said before closing my rooms door behind him.

"Wait..." I said.

"Yes?" he said opening the door again.

"I..I love you too Dad" I told him as I saw his face light up with re-illuminated hope, his smile was worth gold to me.

It was a couple hours later, 8:30 PM to be exact, and I sat with my Dad on the couch watching some pointless golf he was watching on the TV.

"So...that party?" he said bringing up the topic right on time, I didn't expect any differently.

"Have you thought about it?" he continued.

_Yes I have thought about it. I decided I wasn't going because I hate parties, or any type of social gathering that involves other human beings. It will be boring and lame and I'll do nothing but stand around aggravated I came in the first place. People will stare at me, and I'll pretend I don't see their devil eyes. I will have a terrible time, so no, no, I do not want to go to the stupid party._

I thought to myself, but instead bit down hard on my lip before saying "You really want me to go?"

"I would love it if you'd go" responded my Dad with the most endearing look on his face, I couldn't help but feel like a huge load of guilt.

_What the hell, screw it_, I thought to myself again.

"Okay Dad, If it means that much to you, I'll go" I responded, I knew I'd regret it later but right at this second making him happy seemed worth it.

He smiled up at me, kissed my forehead and on that note I got up from the couch in the living room and walked myself upstairs to change. I had no idea what I'd wear, I knew how these high-ranking parties worked, I'd only been to them a thousand times before, back when that was the type of person I was. So I knew the dresscode: show skin, and look hot.

I looked forward at my closet thinking the hottest thing in my closet was my pajamas, and only because they consisted of being short shorts. I sighed heavily thinking why did I even bother? But something in me resisted the urge to just bail, maybe it was the thought of my Fathers loving face, or maybe the thought of Marcie's stuck up face when she'd see me show up to that A-list party.

Either way I grabbed the first thing I saw that looked somewhat coordinated. I slid on my black skinny jeans, and tight white button down blouse. I put on some converse, combed my fingers through my hair, and sadly got a view of myself in the mirror before heading out. I wish I hadn't because my reflection, it was almost painful to watch. My almond shaped dark brown eyes looked back at me, my cheek bones stood out violently, my small pink lips pouting out, my black short cropped hair reached barely under my ears. I runned my hand through my hair slowly grasping the ends feeling empty again.

I quickly looked away from my reflection before the pain would start again. I walked out of my room and showed my Father I had actually followed through and was leaving now. He gave me a quick kiss on the cheek before I made my way out the door and into my red car once more.

I drived down the street barely a minute before I saw his huge house in front of me. There were cars all over the place, so I parked further down the street and took a deep breath before stepping out my car, knowing just what awaited me didn't comfort me at all.

I walked in through the front door and found myself being bumped into and pushed around through his living room. Saying his house was packed was an understatement, our entire grade was in his house plus any plus ones, and exceptions. I squeezed through the wild teenage crowd with the biggest sense of deja vu, as I really had lived this all before, way too many times. "Alessandra, Alessandra" called out a voice from my right, it had to be Blake because nobody else would dare talk to me. I turned my head to find him waving his hands in the air signalling me to join him.

I walked towards him, which took a bit considering the crowd I was walking through.

"You made it" he said through his perfect smile.

"Yeah, small invitation list" I said sarcastically. He laughed before replying "Yeah, it kind of got out of hand." I realized he was practically shouting at me though we were inches away. The roar of the music and teenagers was too much to overpower.

"Want to go outside?" he yelled again. I nodded and we both walked towards his patio outside, there was a large pool where more kids partied. There were still alot of people outside but nothing compared to inside his home.

"This is an amazing view from your backyard" I started to say as I looked out towards the huge lake in which he had two jet skii's parked on his deck. The moonlight hit the water and leaved a path, it was a truly beautiful sight to see.

"Yeah, thanks, over the summer we..." Blake started to say right when I felt a sudden jult on my right shoulder, but it was too late. I tipped and crashed into his pool until all I saw was the water that surrounded me. I came out of the water gasping, shock reading all over my face. I looked trying to see who had pushed me, and saw Jessica walking back inside the house towards Marcie. She was doing exactly what I suspected, Marcie's dirty work.

"I'm so sorry, are you ok?" asked Blake offering me his hand, as I was in the deep end of the pool. "Yeah" I replied pissed off. I took his hand as he helped me out of the water, he offered me a towel but I was soaked.

"Do you know who did that?" he asked me seeming upset.

"Yeah, but don't worry about it" I responded, I didn't want him confronting Marcie, I just wanted to be under my bed sheets waking up and realizing this was all a nightmare.

"No, tell me, I'll kick them out" he said in all seriousness.

"You don't have to do that" I said before walking away from him leaving the patio behind me. I walked toward the left side of his house, I had noticed there was a gate on that side. Which is the way I planned on leaving.

"Wait- where are you going?" he asked following me.

"Home" I replied with water still dripping from my hair.

"No, don't leave. I know it's been a pretty crappy night so far, but don't let it ruin the night. Come on, lets get away from here, I'll show you my secret hide-out" Blake said.

I turned back to face him, his face read sincerity and for some reason he still seemed to care about me, and for some reason I liked that. I nodded and he grabbed my hand as we walked past the crowd getting stares from everyone. We kept walking further and further right of his backyard to this huge tree. "Blake I don't have the fondest memories with trees" I said to him looking back down at my now unswollen ankle. He just smiled and showed me the ladder on the other side of the trunk. "Ok climb up" he told me. And I did, I took every step carefully trying not to lose balance and fall. He followed me up and showed me around his little tree house of sorts. I had to admit it was pretty cute. He was a 17 year old guy showing me his tree house, I couldn't help but laugh in my mind.

"It came with the house" he said in his deffense at the tree houses immaturity.

"You don't have to deffend youself, I like it" I said almost laughing back at him.

"You know everyone must be looking for you inside" I said reminding him, I mean it was his party, he was the host.

He looked at me confused, as if I was speaking a different language.

"Who cares, they're not my real friends anyway" he admitted.

I took off my towel and looked down at my soaking body thinking how incredibly stupid I must have looked. He caught me looking down and told me wet should be my knew look. As much as I wanted to hate the world at that moment I simply didn't, I couldn't, because he was there with me, casually making me smile.

We talked for a while while we looked down at the party, our feet dangling from the tree house's edge. "Why did you have this party?" I asked out of pure curiosity. I mean the party was totally random. "There's never a wrong time to have a party, right?" he said laughing. I didn't buy it and just stared back at him. "Honestly, I don't know, my parents were cool with it and I guess I just wanted an escuse to..." - " An escuse to what?" I asked again. "An escuse to see you again" he told me looking down towards the party probably embarassed to admit it aloud. "Then just ask me, when my Dad told me you invited me I'll be honest I wasn't going to come" I responded looking away. "Why?" he asked. "Well parties aren't my thing" I said looking down at my soaking wet body, and white shirt that was practically see through, as if it wasn't totally obvious. "Marcie really dosen't like you" he tells me. "I hadn't noticed" I said winking back at him, he laughed and placed his hand right on top of mine- acidentally?

I looked down at our hands before I felt the chills go down my arms, I could feel the goose bumps. I didn't understand them . I looked up at him embarassed before saying, "I should go, I'm soaking wet, and it's late anyway"

"But the parties no where near over" he protested, it made me feel good, it made me feel wanted.

"I know, and for the most part it wasn't completely terrible, thanks for inviting me" I said removing my hand and climbing back down the ladder.

He walked me to my car, but just before I was about to rev the engine and leave I could see Blake inside yelling at Marcie, until she eventually walked out the door yelling profanity back at him. I suprised myself by smiling at the sight before driving away.


	13. Chapter 13

"Aless" greeted me Michael opening his front door after my knock. His smile was heart-warming, everything about him was. He looked at me with those eyes you could look into for miles on end and still unravel more to him. He looked at me like he hadn't seen me in ages, like I was this huge sun revolving around his life. He gave me way too much credit.

"Hey...nice hair cut?" I replied tooken by surprise on his latest hair style. It was just a bit shorter than the usual, and cropped more of his black curls around his face. But either way, there wasn't a way for Michael to not look attractive, from his hazel eyes, to his dark curly hair that complimented his light complection, to his perfect jaw and body to add on to it. But it wasn't just my eyes, every girl in school flirted with him. I hated even remembering it, jealousy dosen't even start to explain how I felt.

"Thanks, I have to tell you something, but not here, I don't want my parents to hear" said Michael taking my hand as we walked upstairs, I practically knew his house as well as my own.

"Ok, ok, ok, what is it? You've already got me nervous" I said sitting down on his bed while I watched him pace back and forth in front of his bed.

"So...You remember that last gig the band and I did for my cousins wedding?" he said.

"Yeah, how could I forget? You and I almost fainted from dancing so much" I said laughing at remembering the thought.

He looked at me, his eyes glowing and said, "There was a huge record manager at the wedding, and he wants me to go in and play some songs, he told me this could be my big shot." I got off the bed and practically ran towards him, I wrapped my arms around his back and hugged him as tight as I could, smelling in his favorite perfume he always wore.

"I'm so proud of you" I whispered in his ear, "I never doubted you, not once, just promise me you won't forget about me when your rich and famous" I teased.

He let go of me and took a step back from me while grabbing both my hands firmly. "I will never forget you, your going to be by my side the whole way there, just you and me, no one else" he told me while never losing sight of my eyes.

You and me, me and you, us. Thats all I'd ever wanted, all I'd ever ask for. To hear him say it melted my heart. I tried to control my heartbeat but it wasn't cooperating with me.

We spent the entire day trying to choose a song he could sing to the record people. We went through dozens of songs, I could have been there an eternity and never gotten bored. His voice was that of an angels simply placed in his body. He then started singing, "I'm Yours by Jason Mraz" he got me up and we danced and goofed off til midnight. I remember passing out on his bed, I could remember his light touch carrying me towards my car, I could remember his breath on my ear whispering, "Goodnight sleeping beauty" before placing me in the car.

I could remember every single moment I ever shared with Michael. I could remember what it felt to live. That's the entire point, I can remember, so I'll never forget.

I opened my eyes to face my reality once more. I was at the pond in my neighberhood looking out towards the still water. Everything at that moment felt tainted. The water was a couple shades too dark, the sky was thundering, yet there was no rain. The grass was dry, and less green than the usual. And the one person who should be here with me was dead.

I couldn't stand it anymore. I couldn't stand the imperfection of the life in which I had to live in, I couldn't see past it, I couldn't see good.

I got up from my spot under the tree and got into my car and drove to a place I hadn't been in months.

I drove to Michael's home.

I got out my car after pulling into his driveway knowing exactly what I had just gotten myself into. I took a deep breath before knocking on the half white half glass door.

Michael's mom opened the door, her eyes reading the same anguish as mine. She took my appearance in, my new short hair, the same look in my eyes as herself, and looked at me in shock. "Wow Alessandra, I haven't seen you in a while" she told me before telling me to come in. I walked into the too familiar home with the same intoxicating smell of cupcakes, Michael's mother was a pastry chef, and her home always smelled like something sweet.

I actually hadn't seen any of Michael's family since the funeral. I thought I was helping myself by taking out any part of my life that involved him.

"Yeah, it has been a while" I replied. I had never thought about how Michael's family had delt with his death, the only thing on my mind was my own pain, I guess it's selfish, but when you're so far in with someone and that person leaves you all you can feel is the pain that courses through your veins, no one elses.

I sit akwardly in her large living room, she offers me something to drink, I tell her water just because the presence of Michael's home now makes my throat drier than a desert.

"How has life been since..." she asked me not finishing her sentence like my parents do to not mention the 'M' word around me.

I look down towards my cup of water, feeling everything come back to me, every single damn memory, every feeling, every laugh, everything. I look up at her trying to read her now emotionless face, she looks at me understandingly and dosen't question me any further as I just proceed to sit there still taking in the home.

"I have something for you, after my son's death we went through his room and tried to find keepsakes of him. But we did our best to keep it exactly the way he left it. There's a letter addressed to you from him, it's on his desk. I didn't even move it, nor read it. I thought you'd like to have it, you can go get it if you'd like" said his mother trying to keep her voice even.

I didn't know what to expect as I walked up those stairs back into his room once again. I knew the pain was surely to come, but I didn't know what to await in the letter, what could Michael have possibly not told me?

I opened his room door, to find his room almost exactly how he had left it that terrible day. I touched the bed sheets tears already streaming down my face. I went into his bathroom and smelled his favorite perfume that almost smelled like hazelnut. I sprayed it on, pretending I could smell it in his embrace. I ran my fingers through his CD collection memories flashing back through my mind. I opened his closet and found his large deep blue jacket that he loved, he had lended it to me a million times before, I needed it around my body again. I took it off the rack and put it on. I lay in his bed crying my eyes out staining his pillow with my tears. I didn't care if his parents walked in, or that I had ruined his rooms entity, it was all too much.

I curled myself in his bed and closed my wet eyes. I imagined him next to me, smiling showing his precious dimples. I imagined his sweet caress to my face as he'd wipe my tears away. I imagined him saying the three words he'd always tell me, "I love you." But I imagined it with a different intention.

I opened my eyes again and stared straight at his cluttered desk. I dragged myself from his bed and read the words on the top of the envelope addressed to me:

"To: Aless

From: Michael"

My heart skipped a beat, the note in my hands were some of Michael's last words to me, last thoughts, he never imagined would be his last. I grabbed the letter and ran out of his room, down the stairs and out of his home slamming the door behind me and entering my car.

I sat down out of breath, but still not being able to control my sobs.

I opened the letter carefully and awaited Michael's last words.


	14. Chapter 14

_Dear, Aless_

_I don't know how to tell you this, I don't know how to put into words what you mean to me. I've written this letter over ten times...and thrown each one out with the same thought in my mind: I'm going to ruin everything. We've been through everything together, and I..I've never met anyone so perfect in my life, so perfect in my eyes. You know my past and still love me, you always help me through my present and I can only await for you to still be by my side in my future. No, our future. Everytime I see you my palms grow sweaty, and I don't go through one waking day with you not on my mind, my delusional mind that thinks you may love me. Truly love me. Because I love the way you scrunch up your face when your nervous, and that effortless smile you place on your face when you see me. I love the way your long wavy black hair caresses my face when we embrace, I love your adorable dimples, and how you can make me laugh at anything. But that's not what I wanted to tell you in this letter I'll probably never give you. I wanted to tell you that I love have my heart, now please don't break it. Because loving you is all I ever want to do. And if you don't feel the same way, I'll deal with it, I'll find some way to deal with it. But to be honest to myself and you, I may as well face the fact I'll probably never get over you. But if friends is all you want then friends is what we'll be, anything for you. _

_ That's how much I love you._

_ Love, Michael._

I could barely grasp what I had just read, I couldn't seem to understand. My eyes cried endless tears, my throat felt like it was burning, and my heart was in a rage. I sat there my mind racing, not comprehending what this ment. I grabbed the steering wheel for support, I held on like someone who's gone overboard would hold on to a life preserver. I needed something solid to hold onto, something whole, to remind me I'm still alive. I stayed like this till for what felt like ages. Michael's Mom probably heard my deafening cries from inside and found me in my state, she tried to get me out of the car, to hug me, but I pulled her away.

She must have known all along, she had to. She probably read it, or maybe Michael himself told her yet she never gave me that letter til' agonizing months later after his death. I felt like I had been put in a cage entitled "Life" where people crowded around me and laughed, I was a huge joke to them. They wanted to see me like this. I couldn't stand her presence, or anyone at the moment. I needed to leave, but to go home to my parents looking like such a disaster would only lead to an ongoing interragation of questions that I could not handle right now.

I faced the truth, I had no one.

Blake's face ran across my mind at that moment. Blake. Out of everyone he was the only person I could talk to. But what would I tell him? _Hey Blake, Michael really loved me after all. He wrote it in this letter he never gave me. And now I'm going to cry in front of you and talk about my feelings, and how much my life sucks._ I closed my eyes shut and then revved up the ignition. I knew I shouldn't be driving, I was probably worse then a drunk driver, but I drived down the street as I looked at my rear-view mirror and could see Michael's Mother crying as I descended.

I was almost to my neighberhood when I stopped so upruptly my body lunged forward then back hitting my head on the seat. I looked up to see Blake's car in front of mine, his face turned from confused to worried in less then a second. A second was enough to realize I could barely see the road through all the tears I was crying.

"Alessandra?, Alessandra!" he yelled out getting out of his car and approaching mine.

"Go away" I yelled at him, as much as he truly was the only person I had right now, the only small comfort, I didn't want it, I wanted to suffer. Plus he was holding up the traffic, even though that was totally out of my concern.

"What happened? Are you drunk?" he asked me scrunching his eyebrows in concern.

"No, I'm not drunk idiot, I want to be alone, so LEAVE me alone" I said harshly, I was a monster but at that moment nothing mattered. "Get off the road" people yelled at him from the window of their cars, he payed no attention to them.

"Alessandra please, lets get you off the road, then you can tell me what happened" he said trying to calm the tirade that was being unleashed from me, he didn't deserve to hear the words that I told him, he deserved better. He opened my car door and stood in front of me until I gave in frustruated at his stubborness.

I got out of the car and threw him the keys, I then walked myself to a small park that was a couple yards away from the road. I sat myself down under a huge tree and ripped out the grass from underneath me, it was exactly how my heart was being ripped - piece by piece.

Blake came running towards me after he had parked both my car and his own in the park's parking lot before sitting down and trying to get me to talk. We sat there for five minutes straight while I ripped out grass, and sulked. He didn't tell me a word, he just sat there silently next to me, hearing my cries. I didn't want him to see me like this, but my mouth couldn't find words to speak to tell him to leave, only thrashing noises escaped along with my sobbs. I was an utter mess, but just like everything else in my life when it came to Michael; everything else didn't matter.

"Alessandra your scaring me, please, please, tell me what happened?" he said grabbing my shoulder to make me turn and face him. He stared at me straight on, he cupped his hands around my face whiping my tears before leaning forward and wrapping arms around me. I cried into his shoulder. We stayed like that for a while, he rubbed circles on my back while whispering to me, "It's ok, Alessandra It's ok."

After a good couple more minutes, I leaned out and sat myself letting my back rest on the tree trunk. He sat next to me while staring at my face. I had finally controled my crying and concluded he wasn't going to leave until he knew the truth.

I looked over at him and began, "I went to Michael's house today, and found something I was supposed to read a long time ago." I got the note out of my pocket, it as well was stained with tears but was still readable. I looked at it and could feel another batch of tears about to pour out once more, so I handed him the letter and let it speak for itself.

He opened it and looked at me before reading it as if asking for my permission, I simply nodded. He read it then looked at me with a heart-broken look in his eyes, which reminded me why I told him in the first place- because he cared.

"Alessandra, I'm so sorry..." he began to say, "I don't even know what to tell you right now, I can't even imagine what it must feel like, you must really hate the world, you must think it's against you. But Alessandra it's not, It's not. Life is this long road we walk, and we all start the road the same way, safe. But as the road goes on we are thrown things that we wouldn't even imagine, good things, bad things, miracles, and crisis. And at the end of the road there is no, 'Congradgulations you survived, you made it through' no, there is none of that. Theres no finale line or trophy that awaits on the other side. And happiness isn't at the other side either. Life sucks. But sometimes if you find enough courage in you to hold on, to keep going, somewhere along the way happiness finds you, not the other way around. You just have to find the will in you not to give up."

"Do you have some sort of book where you get all this motivational crap out of?" I said as light-heartedly as I possibly could.

He looked down at me smiling, "I wish I had read this and not experienced it."

I look up at him through my tears, questions filling my mind, experienced? What could he ever mean. But my mind was too preoccupied with my own worries to question his further.

I looked down at the ground and thought he really did always know what to say, it didn't take away my pain but it did ease it. "Walk the road with me?" I responded.

He put his arm around me while we lay back against the tree, his face still managed to light up, "I thought you'd never ask" he said.

As much as I had experienced on that day, as much as I had hurt, I figured something crucial out. Blake always knew what to tell me not because of coincidence, but because he had been through something difficult too. What that was? - I had no clue. But I was determined to find out, because if he got past it, if happiness found him because he got through it, then maybe something I thought was lost - wasn't.

Hope.

His hope guided me home that night.

And as I closed my eyes I could hear his soft whisper in my ear replaying in my mind...

"I thought you'd never ask."

I slept a dreamless night, I slept a tearless night.

A small hope ignited.


	15. Chapter 15

"Hey, Alessandra wait up" yelled Blake across the hallway. We had just left third period and I made my way down the hall before turning as he caught up to me and walked by me.

"Hey" I said distracted with his instantaneous smile.

"I have football practice seventh period, meet me at the bleachers after the bell rings, and we can go on the jet skii's after school. The weather is perfect" he told me his face gleaming.

I had been eyeing his jet skii's at his party...maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea? I had nothing better to do.

"Sure, sounds good" I told him.

"Awesome, I'll see you later then" he said before walking away.

The rest of the school day only seemed to drag on longer after finding out I have something to look forward to. It felt wierd knowing I had something to look forward to.

By the time the seventh period bell rang I had never found myself more happy to know I wasn't going home to whatever faced me there. I walked myself down the stairs before entering the huge football stadium. Football was what my entire highschool centered on. And it deffinitely showed as it was one of the nicest football stadiums of any highschool or college in the state.

I climbed up the bleachers as I found myself waiting for the football practice to end as it was running late. I could see Blake, he had never told me his number but he waved at me so that was a dead giveaway. Number twelve, I'd remember that. I sat myself down after climbing about halfway and took out some homework but couldn't find myself concentrating after a while as I heard the guys thirty minutes later coming out of the lockers from behind the bleachers talking loudly clearly having no clue I was still in the same spot waiting.

"Yea she's hot but she's a total freak now, your gonna ruin your rep man, she's not worth it" I heard one of them say.

"I can make my own decisions, she's my friend. Deal with it." I heard Blake deffending me. My heartbeat became faster as I realized I was the topic of discussion.

"You're going to regret it man, she's worthless, after Michael her imaginary boyfriend died she's been totally out of it. And if you keep hanging out with her she'll ruin you too" I heard another guy say.

"Just shut up" I could hear Blake replying.

I got tired of it. Of just sitting there knowing those idiots where throwing there words out like a pinata with candy. And I was the pinata. I got up and walked down the bleachers feeling the pounding of my heart in my ears. The guys where still making their way out of the locker room and layed eyes on me as I approached them.

"Hey guys..." I began "Next time you want to talk about me I'm right here. Your thoughts of me are really interesting, especially since I'd rather be a 'freak' than a little coward like you guys any day. And if any of you think I actually give a crap then you're the psycopath not me. Have fun judging me, I hope it really gets you places" I told them all as I could see shock register all over their faces. Then I simply turned and walked away. My heart no longer beating quickly but normally as I had just rosen to the occasion and told them off. I felt high off the feeling of the small redemption. I walked off to my car but could hear Blake callling me from behind me. I turned around not knowing what to say.

"Look, I know you must really hate me right now, but I don't beleive anything they told me, they're just low lifes who have nothing better to do. You have to beleive me" he practically pleaded.

"It's ok, I beleive you, I heard the entire thing, thank you." I responded.

"So we're still on for jet skii's?" he said a smile growing on his face.

"Deffinitely I just need to stop by my house to get my own bathing suit this time" I said.

"Yeah, sure, meet you at my house then" he said before getting into his car and driving off.

I got in my car and in less then ten minutes I was turning my closet upside down trying to find my surfing wet suit. It was cut just like a shirt, and I would just wear water shorts underneath. Much more up my range of what I find comfortable and acceptable. After finally finding it I made my way out leaving a note for my parents. I decided to walk to his house since the day was up for it.

"I was about to start thinking you ditched me" he said taunting me as he opened the door.

"Wouldn't dream of it" I replied sarcastically.

We walked through his house but not before he akwardly introduced me to both his parents. They were both very nice, but that didn't take anything away from it's akwardness.

He then walked me to the back patio where I saw the pool I detested in which I had been pushed in last time. I would rather not even remember. Blake handed me a small light blue life jacket that I put on before claiming the red jet skii.

"Turn the left handle back and you'll go in reverse. Turn the right handle back and you'll go forward. And press down on either brake on either side and it'll stop. Got it?" explained Blake.

"No problem" I said trying to sound confident but I'm sure he could see through it.

He then revved up his jet skii, pulled in reverse and he was off, gliding across the water looking like a professional. I tried to mimick what he did and managed to pull out correctly now all I had to do was pull the right handle and go forward. He was waiting for me a couple yards on the other side of the lake. _You can do this_. I told myself in my head. I then quickly pulled the right handle back and I was off. I could feel the wind hitting me and pushing my hair back everything felt exilerating. Everything flashed by me, and everything I had just been thinking about five minutes ago disappeared my mind, which was simply heaven.

"Alessandra where are you going?" yelled out Blake from behind me, which was my first realization that I had left him behind. I was heading towards the end of the lake, I knew I was running out of water to tread yet I couldn't get myself to stop. I couldn't take aside the feeling, the rush, but most of all the clarity. In those few seconds speeding across those open waters my mind thought of nothing but the water in front of me. I was free rom my past, my present, from myself.

"Alessandra!" yells Blake again. But it's too late I feel the hit of the jet skii against something hard underneath the front side of it. And before I know it I'm flying out of the seat underneath me and let go of the handle bar before falling forward hitting the water. I hit hard. I open my eyes barely realizing what had just happened. I come out of the water and feel disoriented immediately. I knew this because instead of swimming to shore which was only a few feet away I just moved my head trying to find a source of direction that wasn't down. I then realized my foot was stuck to a branch underneath the water which was why I couldn't move. I was barely able to stay on top of the water as I could still here the merciless screams of Blake as he told me to hold on while he raced towards me effortlessly in his jet skii. In less then a minute he was by my side getting down from his jet skii while trying to get my foot unstuck. He managed even though it took him a while. He practically swam me to shore even though I insisted I could swim.

"I'm sorry about your jet skii" I told him as I lay down on the grass taking off my life jacket. "The jet skii can get fixed, its the least of my concerns, I'm just glad your ok, you gave me a heart attack" he admitted.

"I told you I was a clutz" I replied.

"Clutz is an understatement" he replied laughing.

We lay there next to each other before I got up trying to head back near the water and nearly fell on Blake out of unbalance.

"Whoa there, you ok?" he asked me concerned.

"Yeah, yeah" I said getting back up only to fall again.

"You're not ok, does anything hurt?" he asked me.

"No, not really but I feel an annoying pounding in my left ear" I told him.

He sat me down then, while he sat in front of me laying his hands on my thighs as he looked at my face before telling me the obvious, I wasn't bleeding, visibly anyway.

"I'll be fine" I told him, "I'm sorry I ruin everything, I got so carried away out there. The rush was so liberating I guess I just got distracted. I'll pay for anything the jet-" "Don't worry about it, it's **unimportant**" he said interrupting me mid-sentence. Thats when I noticed he was mere inches away from my face, I could feel his warm breath on my face and his hands that still clung to my thighs.

I looked up at his eyes and could see him running things through his mind, the same way Michael used to. "You're important" he continued saying as his face got closer. I saw him close his eyes and lean in, I knew what was yet to come. My mind was on overdrive, my body held still, and my heart ached.

_I knew what was yet to come._


	16. Chapter 16

**Hey guys! This is supposed to be my last chapter. But I really enjoy writing this story soooooooo muchhhhhhh...so I might consider continuing...only if you guys like the idea:) Please leave a review saying whether you'd like to see the story continue. Thanks for reading as always. :)**

Before I knew it his lips came down on mine, they were soft and warm but held something real as if he'd been waiting for this. I could feel myself lean my head back onto the grass as his lips only came down on mine harder. His entire body on top of me now and I could barely grasp what was happening. My mind was yelling at me _stop, this is wrong, stop._ But my heart lingered to his lips as his lingered on mine wanting the kiss just as badly. His tongue traced my upper lip, and I could feel myself adjusting to all his movements. I ran my fingers through his hair while he caressed my face, it was all so fast, but all so passionate I couldn't stop myself. Until Michael's face ran through my head - I put my hands on blakes shirtless chest and pushed him off me. He got off me and looked at me apologetically.

"I-Im sorry, I shouldn't have" he said embarassed while still trying to catch his breath.

I looked down at the grass trying to put myself together again.

"It wasn't just you, this was a mistake, I'm sorry I have to go" I said before rushing towards a small path that would take me towards the other side of my neighberhood.

"Wait- no, don't go- Alessandra, I'm sorry..." he said as I ran towards the path.

I was so stupid. What was I thinking? - I wasn't thinking.

I was still soaking wet as I approached my house but my parents weren't home and I knew I had left my keys at Blake's...as well as my sanity. I knew I'd have to eventually go back and get the keys, but right at this moment I just wanted to lay in bed and fall asleep and forget this day ever happened.

Blake was my friend, that's all we were ever going to be, right? He was sweet and deffinitley attractive, but I wasn't attracted to him, right? He didn't like me? I didn't like him? Why did I kiss him back?

All these questions raced through my head as I tried so very hard to fall asleep, to leave it all behind me. But as I should know so well; leaving things in the past and moving on wasn't my specialty.

Thats when I heard a knock on my front door, I didn't even have to check the window of my room to know it was Blake. I didn't want to talk to him right now, I didn't want to talk about _it_ right now. But I know he's been there for me, he was there when no one else was, I didn't deserve him but there he was knocking on my door like clock-work, like perfection.

Alot of things runned past my mind during his knocks, the memories flashed by one after another...

The second time I saw Blake and heard his breathtaking voice...and the lyrics that tore me apart that night.

Him asking the world of me; asking me to trust him before we jumped from the waterfall together.

Blake and I sitting in his tree house talking before placing his hand on mine.

Blake getting me off the road last week and talking me through the devastation of Michael's last words.

Blake being there. Blake caring.

I really was a monster...

I snapped out of my thoughts and joined the reality that Blake; the caring, sweet, hazel eyed boy was waiting outside my door and I was sitting on my bed thinking about him.

I got up from my bed and rushed downstairs opening the door as I saw him walking away thinking I wasn't going to open the door. He turned back at the opening of the door and I could see his tentative smile growing.

"Look Alessandra...I.." he began to say before I interrupted him mid-sentence.

"No, don't...don't apologize...please" I said sitting down on the porch swing as he walked towards me.

"No, I know you are still going through things with Michael and-"

"Please, can we not talk about Michael? Not now.." I said as he sat on the swing with me.

"But I don't want you to have to be strong for me..." he whispered to me sincerely.

I turned myself to face him and made sure I had his full attention before saying:

"You don't get it do you? I'm not trying to be strong for you. No...I'm strong because of you, because you got me through it. Because I pushed you away and you fought back, and I've pushed everyone in my life away, everyone. And everyones retaliated but everyone's given in, everyones let me win. But that's not how its like with you, you don't let me win, so thank you. Thank you for not giving up on me when everyone else has including myself. Blake...you're so much more, more then anything I could ever offer you, you deserve better. So go...walk away. Go, because this is me caring enough for you to know you can have so much more, love so much more, live so much more with someone else" I told him feeling one small tear roll down my cheek.

I didn't want to say good-bye I really didn't but knowing all he could have without me, knowing how much he'd have to go through with me led me to my selfless act. My selfless act of trying to let Blake go. For the first time it wasn't about my pain, about everything I'd been through, it was about Blake, and if I cared for him at all I would have to let him go.

He looked at me then before he started laughing. "What's so funny?" I tell him tooken aback. I had just poured out my soul to him and he was laughing at me?

"Alessandra don't you understand? I don't want anybody else, I want you. Sure you're not easy, heck tell me who is? I don't want a girl that laughs louder then everybody else, I don't want a girl that has had an easy life, and has never had to endure anything, that takes it all for granted. I don't want a pretty face. I want someone real, I want someone who makes me smile for absolutely no reason and who's tears bring me to tears. I-simply-want-you" he said before taking my hand.

I looked at him straight on to make sure I hadn't just hallucinated what he just said. His eyes burned through me before his lips came down on mine again. I put my hands around his neck feeling his warmth, while he moved his hands up my waist. His movements were soft but full of passion. The moment felt real, the moment felt right.

And somewhere in the middle of that long kiss time stood still.

Somewhere in the middle I forgot the past for those seconds...

Somewhere in the middle I felt want, want and need...

Somewhere in the middle I saw a future where I smiled everyday...

Somewhere in the middle I lived, and found myself again.


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17: Akward

**Hey guys, thanks for waiting so long for the next chapter. I've been really lately and highschool just started! I'm glad you guys want to read more, so I have alot more ideas in store. I will try to post once a week, probably on weekends because of school. Thanks for your support! **

_"Junior year will be amazing Aless, I promise" said Michael as we layed on his couch on his backyard porch._

_It was the first day of summer vacation and the Florida summer air was intoxicating with the tension of the subject. I could look into his eyes forever that read the reassurance he was trying to convey to me, that nothing would change from this moment. Not in a month, not in 10 years. But the reality was things were going to change as much as I hated it, I couldn't stop it._

_"Just one more year, and we're seniors...I can't even beleive it, then you'll be leaving me to go become a famous rockstar somewhere and I'll have to figure the rest of my life out by myself" I replied helplessly trying to take back my words as I didn't want to beleive them._

_But as much as I wished they weren't true, they were._

_"Aless, you worry too much, at this rate you'll have wrinkles before you're 20" Michael said jokingly to me._

_"Ha! Take that back!" I said throwing one of the pillows from the couch towards him._

_He grabbed the pillow before it could hit his face and he lunged his body on top of mine. We lay there quitely after a moment of trying to get my heart to calm it's rapid beating. Maybe it had to do with his close proximity. No, it obviously had to do with his close proximity. He had his arm around my shoulder, while we lay our feet across the other side of the couch._

_You would think this would be a romantic gesture, but for us it was a normal gesture, and as much as I desired for it to be more, nothing ever happened between us._

_Nothing but me gazing into his eyes wishing he could read my soul._

I woke up in tears. I looked up at my ceiling wishing for it all to be real again. Wishing to turn back time. His voice was so clear in my dreams, his touch so soft, and his eyes unbearable. Everytime I dreampt of him the repercussions were always the same. The same ache in my chest that could only be compared to a huge wound that never healed.

They say time is like a medicine, but let me say no greater lie has ever been told.

I got off of my bed and got ready for the day ahead of me trying to leave the thoughts at the door.

"Where are you going?" asked my beligerent mother trying to make sense of my gym attire.

"I'm just going running, I'll be home before dinner" I said.

She looked at me with those still concerned aging eyes of hers, that only cast more guilt upon myself. Another thing I had learned was that the guilt never ended. From my parents having to deal with me, to Blake who didn't have to put up with my depressing self but still did.

Blake.

That's exactly who I needed to talk to, to feel his embrace. Ever since that other day I didn't know what exactly to call us. We weren't exactly going out, well not in my mind. But we weren't just friends either, that'd involve much less physical contact, which I enjoyed way more then I should. Either way Blake would help me get through the brutal night I had just had. So I walked down towards his huge home down the street and knocked on his door hesitantly.

His parents and I had met before but it was still akward especially considering if they thought I was his girlfriend, so I did my best to avoid eye contact, even if they were the friendliest people in the world.

"Aless, Hey!" said Blake opening the door, his smile couldn't have been more breathtaking. But my mind couldn't appreciate his smile, all it could concentrate on was the fact that he'd called me "Aless" and I didn't know exactly how to feel about it. He leaned in and gave me a hug and offered me to come in.

"No thanks, I just came to see if you could talk before I went on a run, but if you're busy it's fine."

"No, uhm..give me five minutes and I'll go running with you" he said elated as usual. He could make anyone feel like they are worth gold.

"Okay, I'll just wait out here" I said smiling back at him.

"Don't be ridiculous, wait in my room."

To be honest I had never gone in his room before and was actually quite curious to see what it would hold. I walked up his stairs and entered the room he pointed me towards as he left to the bathroom to go change. It had neautral colored schemed walls and a brown comforter, to the back of his room was a nice balcony and to the right of the balcony was his bathroom. Right next to his bathroom wall was his music collection, alot similar to Michael's it just held different music I skimmed through it getting a vibe for his taste, which was somewhere between rock and classic rock to alternative.

Blake opened the bathroom door making me drop the cd's I was holding onto the floor.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have been.." I started to say.

"No, it's cool" he said back, reaching down and picking up the cd's I had just dropped. As he got back up I couldn't help but notice his bare chest and his shirt swung around his neck. He handed me back his cd's while looking at me in the indescribable way that made my heart pound harder.

Then his mom walked in. Nice way to kill a moment.

I let go of his hand that I had unconciously realized I had grabbed and took a step back from him trying to play innocent. Though I'm sure my blush gave me away.

"So...what are you to up to?" she said as casually as she could manage, intrigue coursing through her eyes.

Blake and eye looked at each other before responding, "nothing" at the same time.

"Really?" she said raising her eyebrow.

"No actually we were just going to go for a run" I said before things got more akward.

"Oh, well have fun" she told us as we made our escape out of his bedroom, downstairs, and out the door, but not before she hollered out, "Not too much fun!"

Blake and I couldn't help a huge laugh come out of our mouths as we closed his house door.


	18. Chapter 18

"Slow down!, my legs aren't 3 feet long like yours!" I yelled out at Blake sprinting almost 20 feet ahead of me.

He turned around and ran towards me so straight on I stopped my jog and caught my breath before what I thought he was going to do, tackle me. Instead he picked me up like a rag doll and tossed me over his shoulder while I made a wierd scream laughing sound pleading him to put me down inbetween my laughs, untill he finally did. He lay me down in a small grass area next to the path were we were running before.

I could barely hear his voice saying, "you're laugh's perfect", with my panting from being so out of breath. I turned around from laying on my back and looked towards him just to catch him drop his eyes to the grass. I grabbed his hand in thank you, in thank you for letting me feel the least bit alive again. Even if it was limited to being with him, it gave me something to look forward to, to look forward in seeing the smirk he made when something I said was obvious, or the biting of his lips when he's nervous, but most importantly the feeling he gave me, not that everything _is_ okay- but that someday it will be.

"So...I was thinking, lets make this official" said Blake sitting upright as I was doing the same.

"What do you mean?" I said letting go of his hand in response to the serious aura I could feel now surrounding us. I didn't like the seriousness of the topic, it made me nervous in an unexplicable way.

"Us" he said putting his hand around my hip pulling me closer onto him. I could feel the goosebumps go down my arms at his simplest touch. But better yet I could feel my entire being get nervous at the though of "us" whatever "us" was and what that entailed.

"You don't want it to be serious do you?..." He said probably reading my emotionless face.

I looked up at him wishing he could understand that wasn't true, wishing he could read my mind, because I could never explain myself right.

He gave me a few minutes to answer, and those minutes droned on and on as did his hope. He then began to slowly unwrapped his hand from my waist and pulled away before getting up from where he was sitting and walking forward towards the running path.

I could feel my heart beat quicker, and my mind try to find words to say, to explain, to assure him...but I coudn't. But one thing was certain even if I couldn't find the right words to say I would say them. Most of the time it just made me end up in a worse situation because I wouldn't mean what I'd say. But I meant it when I said I didn't want to lose Blake and I would do anything to let him know that.

"Blake - please...It's not like that" I said getting up from the grass and following him.

"Then what is it like? Please tell me what it's like. Because one moment we're just friends, the next you're telling me to leave you alone because you're undeserving, then we're kissing and I feel like we're together just to have you tell me indifferently. Which is it? I need to know, to get myself together." Blake replys turning around facing me, his eyes going from confused to sympathetic, to upset.

"I don't know what it's like Blake, okay? I have no idea what I'm doing right now" I said grabbing his hands as he lets them fall and only to make things worse it starts to rain out of nowhere. But to stand in this rain didn't stop me from trying, trying for once to not make this about myself make it about him. And let him know I need him.

"Blake I don't know what us is, because I'm scared to define it. I feel like everything I touch turns to into a burden and I don't want you to become another. Yes I thought of us only as friends untill last week, but now I can't think of us as anything but more then that, but at the same time, I don't want to hurt you, I know how hard I can be to deal with. All I have to offer is myself and it's just not good enough...but just for the record this is me, here, standing in front of you in the pouring rain telling you I not only _need_ you but _want_ you." I tell him staring at him as clearly as I could through the pouring rain. And as bad of timing as the rain had I couldn't have been more thankful for it, as it disguised my very real tears.

I had a feeling Blake could tell as he pulled me in and hugged me. We stood there hugging in the rain until he let me go and as I began walking he pulled me back in and kissed me once, softly but surely, that was all I needed before he said "We don't have to define it, we'll just be" then he kissed me again.


	19. Chapter 19

**Chapter 19: Suprises**

"Get dressed. Go to school. Go to sleep.

Get dressed. Go to school. Go to sleep.

Get dressed. Go to school. Go to sleep."

I whispered to myself this mantra trying to force myself to believe I could actually survive this day.

Today was the day I had been counting down for the last couple weeks, I could feel everyday incapacitate me more and more. But to know today was supposed to be Michael's 17th birthday, Michael's 17 years of life brought my already screwed up life to a lingering hault.

And as if that wasn't hard enough to deal with, Blake was out of town with his family for one of his cousins weddings. He felt terrible about leaving me, today of all days, but he was a groomesman and couldn't get out of it. I didn't want him to get out of it anyway, that would just be one more thing I'd be taking away from him, and another guilt upon my endless list of them. But I couldn't believe the lie I told to myself that I'd make it through the day without him, he could get my mind off of things, but I had to deal with the fact that he couldn't today.

I needed to man up but my heart kept giving in.

And so the day went on from the grueling, steaming one-hour shower I gave myself to let go of all my tears, to the long bus ride to school where I simply blasted music into my ears and wished for Blake to be comforting me. To hear his soft voice soothe me. But no instead I got to ride on the bus with these creatures people call teenagers. And yes I am one myself, but not like the ones I go to school with. The ones that say "like" ten times in every one of their sentences, care only about who they're dating, what clothes they're wearing, and whether they look "hot".

But to my benefit music tuned that all out, at least till I got to school.

That's when the real struggle began, I couldn't function at all. My first period teacher only called my name 3 times before some kid behind me slapped my shoulder to get my attention. And then when we were told to partner up in 7th period the teacher partnered me with the only girl left, Kayla, because well I usually partnered with Blake who wasn't here and I had totally zoned out in class.

"So, problems one through forty. Want to divide the work?" asks Kayla.

"What?" I reply distracted by the ticking minutes on the clock.

"Look if you didn't want to be partners you should have chosen another, and I'm not doing all your work, in case you were wondering" replys Kayla ticked off.

I look back at her, it's obvious she has a problem with me, and I couldn't think of anything I ever did to this girl I hadn't talked to in ages - but then it hit me. Kayla was the girl who Marcie was always making fun of when we were in 9th grade, and I am unproud to say I followed along. But the truth is, I never said anything bad about Kayla, I actually kind of liked her but I'd rather be in good terms with Marcie then be in good terms with her so I went with it. I used to be so shallow, when people's opinions of me actually mattered. Everyone liked me, but I never cared to wonder if I ever truly liked myself.

"Kayla, I'm sorry. For everything I ever did to you, for any pain I ever caused, I'm truly sorry. I hope we can start over" I said to her in all my sincerity.

"It's a little late for an apology" she replies.

"Yes it is, and I was not a nice girl, and I'm sorry, this is me owning up to that, you don't have to forgive me, but this is me apologizing" I replied.

"You'll never know what it's like on the other side of the glass door Alessandra, but for what it's worth, apology accepted" Kayla says back to me.

And those few words is all it takes for me to picture Michael singing me a song with that phrase.

"Alessandra where are you going? Alessandra!" I can hear Kayla and the teacher yell after me but I don't care. I leave the classroom and skip the 20 minutes left of school.

My heart no longer sinks at the sight of my moms car in the driveway when I skip simply because I've gotten used to it. And I think my mother has to as she no longer yells, though I don't think she has the heart to yell at me today. Instead she offers me to take me out to eat.

"No thanks, I'm really tired, long day" I reply.

But of course she insists and in less then 30 minutes we're on our way to my old favorite italian restaurant.

"So you and Blake?" she asks after the food arrives, eyeing me carefully making sure she hasn't crossed the imaginary border line of what will set me off.

"Do you really want to talk about this?" I ask her trying to find any safe route out of this conversation.

"Yes, I really do, so are you guys official yet? Will I be meeting him anytime soon? He seems like a great guy and all" she continues.

"How would you know he's a great guy, you've never even talked to him." I reply curious and deffensive.

"Instinct, his hair gives off the good guy type of vibe" she replies laughing at her own attempts at trying to be funny.

"He is, but I'd rather not have this conversation today?" I say.

"Sweety are you having commitment issues?" she says trying to be funny again.

"No Mom, please stop it with the jokes, not today" I reply way harsher then I meant to sound.

"I'm sorry everything I do or say upsets you, it's not on purpose you know, I'm just trying to be a good mother" she replies her eyes falling to her food covering up what I already assume are tears to come.

"You're a great mother, I'm just a terrible daughter, you deserve better, I'm sorry. Now eat before your sphaggetti gets cold" I say trying to sound warmer, trying to sound like her old daughter the one who would laugh at her terrible jokes and talk to her like she deserved to be talked to.

And be everything a good daughter should be, oh the before and after never ceases to amaze me. But the scariest isn't thinking it, it's facing it in the mirror, knowing all you've become. Which is why I tend to avoid mirrors and any thought of myself thats ever so depressing.

"Check please" says my Mom to the waiter though she's only tooken two bites.

"Mom what are you doing? Finish" I reply hoping I'm not the cause of the early departure.

"It's ok, I can finish it at home, I know today is dreadful for you sweety, you can sleep" She says looking at me with her compassionate eyes I could look into for ages.

"Thanks Mom" I say sincerely as we exit the restaurant and are home in less then 30 minutes.

I drag my unbearing legs upstairs and collapse myself into my all too familiar bed.

That's when I hear it, the soft noises of what sounds like something sliding across my carpet. No, more like the sound of clawing. I quickly get out of bed and grab my sandal ready to hit any spider if necessary. That's when I see a small box moving from under my bed I quickly kneel onto the carpet hessitant to open it as soon as I see it reads:

_"To: Alessandra_

_From: Blake"_

I grasp the edges and slowly take off the top of the shoe box.

And what I held in front of my eyes was the most precious tea-cup chihuahua I had ever seen. From it's miniature paws to it's cute little nose and golden colored hair. It was perfect. And it was mine? I looked at the note that was attatched inside the box reading:

_"I'm sorry I couldn't be there with you today, I know it must have been really hard. But here's a small present from me to you. Don't worry, I already cleared him with your parents, who you should probably thank as well. I hope you love him, and remember this day from now on as a good thing, not a bad one. I can't wait to see you again. And I'll pick you up bright and early for school at 7 sharp. Be ready._

_ Keep your head up - Love, Blake"_

"Oh my God" I whisper to myself, "aren't you adorable" I say talking to the puppy as if it could talk back. I then went down and thanked my parents, and had to wait till tomorrow to see Blake.

That night I went to sleep with my puppy refusing to name it untill I saw Blake. And in my dreams I didn't dream of Michael, I didn't feel any pain. I drempt that it was Blakes seventeenth birthday and he was standing in the middle of the road in the pouring rain blowing out the candles his my cake when a cars headlights flashed straight on him.

Then everything went black.


	20. Chapter 20

_"Alessandra wake up, wake up" I could hear Michael's distant voice say but my mind couldn't get out of It's state of confusion. It was June second, a beautiful day. Maybe too beautiful. And I may not be into religion, but I do believe in the saying "God giveth, God taketh away." I learned that the hard way. _

_It was right before sunrise and I remember feeling all the different thoughts that ran through my head. The thoughts started simple, they went from "Where am I?" , "Why am I here?" "What happened last night" and quickly transformed into, "Michael's really close to my face" , "Why am I holding my breath?" , "I wonder what his lips taste like." _

_"Aless, we totally fell asleep, we need to get you home before your parents ground you for the rest of your life and your Dad kills me" Said Michael looking down at me as I lay by the big tree we used to lye by right next to the huge lake where we would spend most of our summers at. We were fifteen and had no everlasting care in the world. And I recall each intake in breath as easily breathed as my last. There were only simple worries like having a big school assignment due, having tons of homework, and finding time to hang out with all of my friends, and go to every social gathering because that was the type of person I was._

_And I have learned that reflecting on my past is worthless, but it all seems like a fuzzy dream now, something intangiable, something that will never be within reach- happiness. But to tell myself to look forward is even harder, so I compromise on taking it day by day. To tell myself this mantra that I'm okay untill I actually believe it. Untill one day it's true._

_"Okay, okay, just give me a moment, I'm half asleep" I replied back to him, complaining as always. Thats when I saw him walk up to the water, and with the rising sun all I could see was his perfect sihlouette, and all the thoughts in my mind I wished I could deny from myself. They were all how I imagined my life if it were to be perfect. And in every distinct part of that perfection Michael was there right by me. But with a different purpose, one that involved alot more love than friendship love, and I knew I could never ask that of him. But right in that moment something in my mind decided that my heart was tired of waiting for him to make decisions on how happy my life would turn out. Right in that moment I thought I could make him mine._

_I even remember the sound of the soft grass underneath me as I walked towards him and his moving shadows. It was an out of body moment. As I could picture my flushed face and how the pounding of my heart against my chest must have felt, I wonder if it was possible that Michael heard it._

_"Ready Aless?" He asked me, his eyes following mine as I looked straight ahead at a small cloud that was isolated from all the others. I don't know why I remember such pointless things, probably because that was one of the few last moments when I could still hear Michael's laughter. And see that broken smile he made when he was trying to be mad at me but couldn't. When everything about him was fresh in my mind, his voice, his humor, his ability to see life a certain shade of auburn even if life was a shade of grey, he made it brighter._

_But now when I think of that isolated cloud all I can seem to think is of a reflection of myself. _

_"Do you see that cloud right there?" I asked Michael. He looked right at me before replying, "yes, what about it?" He replies. "I was that cloud before I met you" I say looking right at him. And as silly as it may seem, that was me admitting to him in my own mind how much I need him. "You know sometimes I think about us, who would we be in the future" He replies, and having no idea where he was going with it I stayed silent. " You're my best friend and sometimes I think... of what would happen...if..., what if things changed?" And then rain began to pour as if on cue, on cue to try and ruin my life- or at least that moment that in my mind defined my life. Michael quickly looked up at the sky and then down again in thought, as if he should finish what he was saying, and I knew very well in my mind what he was going to say. I just guess he didn't find it worth finishing. But it's not like I haven't endured worse. _

_We quickly gathered whatever we had packed when we came down here late last night in an attempt to clear my head from the fight I had had with my parents the day before. And Michael, as always, was up for anything I threw at him, even if it ment major trouble if we got caught. Then we put everything in his truck and headed home. He had bearly just gotten his permit but drived pretty well, illegally that is. But if anything his parents should blame themselves for buying a 15 year old a car._

_Once we were on the way home, all was at peace, singing with the radio but still having the pathetic feeling of that conversation never finishing, of being so close, but never close enough._

_And in a moment everything changed._

_In a moment I seemed to lose everything._

_This life never gave me a chance to say good-bye._

_Because in a second everything went black._

I look up at my reflection from my bathroom mirror, to feel another round of self hate run its course when my phone lights up.

**One new voicemail:**

**Blake-**

"Hey Alessandra I know this is like my fifth call, I miss you. I was wondering whether you want to come to dinner with me and my parents. It dosen't have to be a big deal, promise. Well call me back, please, I'm seriously getting worried, Or I could just come over? Please, please talk to me."

And as I look up to see my empty reflection again I text Blake and tell him I'll go to the dinner, because I know enough of self pity to know it won't help me at all.

And as much as I hate to admit it, it's okay to need help, or so I've heard.

"It's okay to need help" I said again, looking down reading the note Blake had passed to me in class saying the same exact words.


End file.
